December 8/11 – The Movie ‘Shame’ – Does Sexual Addiction Exist?

I recently went to the movie ‘Shame’. It concerns a man who constantly seeks out sexual stimulation. He searches the internet for pornography, uses prostitutes and seeks out women in clubs or on the street. A distinctive feature of his behaviour is its compulsive aspect; he can’t stop this behaviour. However, the debate exists whether or not this behaviour is pathological or just out of control immoral behaviour, or merely a choice. Those who argue that it is pathological call it sexual addiction.

In the past 5 years or so, in my work as a Toronto therapist, I have had more and more men coming in with problems related to sexual excess. I am referring to men because, by far, it is men who are sexual addicts. The majority of these feel that they are looking at pornography too much, and in many cases their partners insist that they enter therapy. Certainly pornography use has greatly increased due to its easy access on the internet. It is argued that excessive use of pornography is not only addictive but causes changes in the brain and can lead to further sexual acting out.

I have also dealt with men who have excessively acted out. They do resemble the man in the movie. In my work with these men I fully believe that sexual addiction is real. It is very obvious that they do not enjoy sex. They compulsively seek it out, but, no matter what, there is no fulfillment involved. When I look beneath the surface, at the character and history of sexual addicts, I see certain recurring patterns.

One common pattern is depression. Sex addiction is often connected to a lack of self esteem. In addition the men usually are unable to deal with feelings. Feelings such as stress, anger or anxiety usually increase the desire to act out. They are also unable to function in a close relationship, where intimacy is threatening. Frequently sexual addicts are very isolated people with little or no friendships. This lack of emotional and psychological resources often originates in the family of origin.

When I look at the family history I frequently see a variety of family dysfunction. Problems such as addiction, ACOA, co-dependency, and various childhood abuse and marriage breakdown often appear in the history of sex addicts. Many of my clients report that they began using pornography at an early time this time in their life, which initiated their addiction. Therefore, when the men reach adulthood they find themselves compulsively seeking sexual stimulation which can create great damage to their lives.

Nevertheless, sexual addiction, like all addictions, is treatable, though it is not easy. The reason for this is the addiction which plagues them, unlike alcohol or drugs, is within them in their sexuality. However, if the motivation exists, and a course of action is taken that includes groups and individual therapy; a person can overcome the addiction.

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November 26/11 – Who Has Better Mental Health, Men or Women?

In my Toronto therapy practice I work with men and women who are experiencing a variety of psychological and emotional problems. They and others have asked me who is healthier, men or women?

This is a difficult question to answer. Clearly both suffer from a wide variety of problems. Therefore when I look at this question I don’t want to give the impression that one is healthy while the other isn’t. However, given 21 years of experience as a Toronto therapist, my opinion is that women possess greater mental health than men.

Over the years the opposite has been stated by professionals. They maintain that the female incidence of depression is far greater than that of men. This is a misleading statistic because men deal with their depression in a different manner. They deal with it through addiction. They suffer from addiction far more than women. Because women show their feelings more directly than men they are targeted by the mental health profession. Of course, the socialization of both genders is quite different and strongly determines the levels of mental health.

In recent years mental health levels have been linked to a concept termed emotional intelligence, which states that a greater range and awareness of emotions states indicates a higher degree of mental health. When we consider how gender socialization affects people it appears that men are more emotionally restricted than women, particularly in feelings that show vulnerability.  If we can’t be vulnerable then we will be unable to fully connect with our humanity and the humanity of others.  As a result, this hardening of our feelings will render us emotionally disabled. It is here that women attempt to intervene and help men.

I see this pattern with children of alcoholics. I often find that the co-dependency related to alcoholism will mostly be taken on by women. They not only attempt to intervene in addiction but they will try to help men with anger, stress and self esteem. This, of course, will often harm women, because they themselves take on these problems. Unfortunately female socialization will push women in this direction through the role of nurturer.

Another area that affects mental health is childhood abuse. In this area both sexes are strongly affected. Though, here again, a woman’s greater access to feelings can help her to cope with this trauma better than a man. Yet this does not mean that, here, and in other areas of mental health that women far exceed men because of their easier access to emotions. Women suffer greatly because of the hatred that is often directed towards them. Many women have great psychological burdens due to this and the fact that they are over-relied upon in the nurturing role.

In order to help clients with gender related problems I try to help them become aware of how their socialization has affected them. Often their problems will show up in their relationships. For this reason I will help them with strategies related to this particular problem. Men need to know that it is safe to be vulnerable and women need to know that they do not have to do all the emotional work in the relationship.

Therefore, even though women possess greater tools that can lead to better mental health than men, both are often badly wounded and need to find ways to understand and heal from their gender wounds.

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November 7/11 – What is Your Relationship Pattern

In my Toronto therapy practice many people come to me who have relationship problems. As a result of these problems they can experience depression, stress and anxiety. Frequently they feel confused as to why their intimate relationships are not feeling satisfactory. I try to help them by showing that most people have relationship patterns. I usually find 3 common patterns.

The first of these concerns gender roles. This pattern involves a relationship where a woman over functions and a man under functions. The woman does much more of the relational work, communicating feelings, working on the relationship and generally being more responsible for what happens between the two people. There can also be the situation in such a partnership where the woman will try to reform the man who often has problems such as addiction.  Women may often become codependent in our society because they are conditioned to take on a nurturing role which can be exaggerated and lead them into this type of behaviour. On the other hand, because a man is conditioned to be strong, he can be reluctant to express his feelings and feel comfortable with intimacy.

A second pattern is for people to seek out partners who have similarities to their parents. I often see children of alcoholics becoming involved with an addict. Freud mentioned that people will search for a mate like a parent who was dysfunctional in order to change the person and unconsciously make their ‘parent’ finally love them. Given that pattern, it is no wonder that people can pick partners who they are in a constant struggle with.

The third pattern is one I refer to as love addiction.  In this pattern people seek the addictive thrill of falling in love. However, their relationships are short lived since they cannot tolerate intimacy. Research has shown that the chemical reactions involved in this experience are similar to those found in psychosis. In other words, falling in love brings with it a powerful ecstasy that can become addictive. A person in the throes of this addiction will become hooked on the thrill of meeting new partners and falling in love again and again. Over time such people can experience depression and anxiety as they are denying themselves the human need of real closeness.

The first step that I take with people in any of the above patterns is to help them recognize what they are doing. Often they are not fully conscious of their pattern. It is also important to help them see why they are doing this. For example, with a love addict I might explore why this is safer for them. Often they will learn that they lack the self esteem to be fully known by another. As a man said to me, “If anyone really got to know the real me, they would leave me.” In addition, with all three patterns I examine the childhood roots of their problem, because we first learn about relationships, for the better or worse, when we are growing up.

After a person becomes aware of what pattern they are following, the next step is to follow through with action. The action plan can vary, but awareness is key. For example, if a person has a love addiction they need to be aware if this is happening to them with a new relationship. With awareness they can make choices. They can choose to go slowly, get to really know who they are becoming involved with or realize that they have picked another addict and stop the relationship at this point. However, most important for you with this and other patterns, is to make a choice to go in a different and healthier direction in your relationship.

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October 25/11- Secrets, How They Can Harm Us

Most of us have secrets; we are not open books. This is quite normal and relatively harmless. However, if this behaviour becomes extreme then it can hurt us in a number of ways. In my work as a Toronto therapist I work with people who struggle with secrets in a number of ways.

When we are children most of us learn that we cannot reveal everything to the people around us. We also can learn who is safe and who is not safe to tell what we know and feel. How this behaviour develops usually depends on our environments. If we come from a healthy environment then we learn that the people around us can be told much of what we think and feel. However, if we happen to grow up in an unhealthy environment, such as an alcoholic one, which features secrets and deceptions, then, as children of alcoholics, we become very hidden people. What effect does this have on us?

Becoming overly secretive can cause a great deal of stress and anxiety. We can feel locked up inside our own selves and unable to express who we are and what we feel. I talk to many clients who report how this condition has isolated them from others and made it hard for them to have healthy relationships. As a result of their lack of trust they became very indirect and manipulative with others; they also developed codependent behaviour in order to get their needs met. In addition, being so cut off from others stunted their development, harmed their self esteem and led to depression and addiction.

It is not a coincidence that lives of my addictive clients are dominated by secrets. Furthermore, having an addiction, with its accompanying shame, intensifies this secret life. Addicts spend a great deal of energy removing any traces which might reveal that they have a problem. When anyone, such as a partner, gets close to their secrets, they can erupt in angry behaviour at the threat. However, mostly they become so skilled at hiding their real selves that they can develop an alter ego which appears very well adjusted to the eyes of the outside world. I have had many people say to me that, “everyone around me thinks I am the most cheerful and nice person.”

Certainly addicts are not alone in the development of an alter ego. Many people suffering from depression also do this. They hide the depressed self from others and appear quite happy. I constantly read comments after a person takes their own life which indicates that no one knew the person was suffering so badly inside. Such people will often include those who are hiding secrets of childhood abuse who spend a great deal of effort to appear normal to the world.

Moreover secrets can not only take place on the outside, they often occur on the inside. In other words, when we use deception so often, we often begin to deceive our own selves. We cannot bear to face what is inside of us, so we resort to rationalizations or other forms of denial in order to live with ourselves. By doing this we become further estranged from the truth of who we are and we develop a false self identity that harms us in all areas of our lives.

What can people do to help themselves if they have developed secret lives? To begin with, it is necessary to acknowledge that we have done this. This first step can be difficult because we can be entangled in so much deception that we can’t admit it to ourselves. I have had alcoholics tell me that, “they can stop drinking any time they really want.” Usually the people and events around us will indicate that something is wrong with our lives. It can be a long time until we begin to listen to these signals. Or it can be never.

Therefore, in order to be responsible to ourselves and others it is important that we try to be honest about our lives. Again, what is happening to us, and how we are to the people around us can give us a good indication of whether or not we are actually aware of what we contain. So, for example, when a client of mine says they don’t understand why the people around them are  ‘always angry at them’ and ‘things never seem to go my way’, I point out to them that there is something inside of them that they may have hidden and that is affecting their lives. I also ask them to examine how they have used secrets to protect themselves. In other words, a deep self examination is required in order to see how secrets have impacted our lives. By becoming so hidden, and barely visible, even to ourselves, we harm ourselves and those around us. When we realize this we need to be strong enough to open ourselves up to honest scrutiny.

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Oct. 7/11 – Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Negative – Easier Said Than Done

The title of this old song proclaims a message that is widespread regarding mental health. In fact, it is the central theme of much of what is said to people who are suffering emotional or psychological problems. In short, what you need to do when you are feeling badly, is to look at what is positive in your life and stop dwelling on what is negative.

These words have a lot of truth to them. When you can think in such a positive mode you will definitely be much healthier. The problem is that accomplishing this is extremely hard to do. Unfortunately many people do not acknowledge this and punish themselves and others for not being able to transform their thinking into a positive mode. Why is this transformation so hard to accomplish?

Let us take the example of someone who has suffered childhood abuse. Such an individual can be suffering multiple problems. Among these are stress, depression, anxiety and addiction. In my Toronto therapy practice I have heard victims of childhood abuse tell me that their friends and even therapists have said to them, “they should just get over it, and stop dwelling in the past, and think of all the good things in their life.” Rather than helping them, this sort of advice harms them. They already lack self esteem and these words make them feel even more inadequate, because, hard as they may try, they just can’t make themselves feel positive. The question still remains, why can’t they do this?

To begin with, the advice of thinking differently just doesn’t accord with the reality of the human brain. When we are young we are the most open. Our brain takes in a huge amount of information and we become identified with our early environment in a powerful and lasting manner. If the early environment contained messages that we are inadequate and bad, such as those conveyed through childhood abuse, then our brain cells are configured to form our sense of self based on this information. Therefore we just can’t ‘think different thoughts’ that will make our histories go away.  However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t change. In fact there are recent studies that show that the brain has a ‘plasticity’ that does enable us to think differently and to significantly alter our self identity and how we see the world around us. How does this work?

Let us use the example of a woman, a child of an alcoholic family. She has grown into a person who suffers great stress and anxiety due to her marriage to an alcoholic man. She is codependent, as her mother was with her father, continually trying to change her husband and enabling his addiction at the same time. Her mind was formed in a specific environment that she continued to enact in her marriage. In our work together we carefully examined her childhood environment. By doing this we were giving new information to her brain. Again, this is not simple; it can be stressful, difficult and involves hard work. By doing this we are deconstructing her previous information and we are providing her with new tools and resources to not only understand her history, but to also feel differently about herself and the people around her. In addition to helping her understand her past, we work on helping her to develop a part of herself, an adult part, that can nurture this wounded part. I explain to clients that it is like developing an ‘internal good mother’. When we do this we are also developing new brain cells that can act on our behalf. Again, this is not simple because we are opposing a lifetime pattern. However, like a new language -which is harder to learn when we are older – we learn a new, and better way of understanding ourselves.

Finally, even though making our lives more positive and less negative is not simple, it is quite possible. It takes work and dedication, but the rewards for this can be a greater sense of well being and a life where choices and attitudes can work for us rather than against us.

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Sept. 22/11 – The Curse of Perfectionism

In my years as a Toronto therapist I have found that many of the people I treat for emotional and psychological problems have one thing in common – they are perfectionists.

Most people believe that being a perfectionist is good. It enables people to achieve high standards in whatever they do and can provide them with enhanced self esteem as a result. Certainly it is true that doing your very best is an admirable trait; however, when I use the word ‘perfectionism’ I am referring to an inner state that is harmful. One of my clients has described it as, ‘the bar that keeps getting raised where I can never feel good enough.’ As a result of this constant feeling of being inadequate, a person’s sense of self becomes steadily diminished.

For example, most of the people I see who are suffering from addiction are perfectionists. Their perfectionism sets the stage for what is referred to as ‘the control-release syndrome’. In the control phase the person is dominated by feelings of completely mastering their addiction and, as a result, set unrealistic high standards that put great pressure on them. Because of this  stress the person breaks down and gives up into the release phase where they totally succumb to their addiction.

I also witness perfectionism in people who encounter depression. They often criticize themselves for not being able to do things or giving up when they try. When we discuss what happens inside them I learn that they cannot tolerate the normal learning curve where we start at a low level of skill and gradually increase this level as we keep learning the particular skill. However, depressed people often report that they were unable to bear feeling inadequate. They felt that they should have mastered the skill immediately.

We are not born with perfectionism; we learn it in a variety of ways. Certainly, children of alcoholics are introduced to it through the unrealistic pressures put on them by their families. Time after time, I hear the stories of horrible, chaotic drunken behaviour in the home and the appearance of normalcy outside the home. “We had to act perfect in public so nobody would know that we were so screwed up,” one woman recently said to me. In such environments these same people are taught codependent behaviour where unrealistically high standards are imposed.

We also become perfectionists through lack of self esteem. If I never feel good enough, what I do will never be good enough. The feeling of being deficient is taught. It can be taught by modelling. When we are around parents who never feel good enough about themselves, we often adopt this type of self- image. We can also be taught that we are not good enough by being given the message. The message can be given subtly or it can be given harshly through childhood sexual, physical or emotional abuse. One person said to me that, “because of my abuse I was permanently branded as never good enough.”

How can we deal with perfectionism? To begin with, we need to recognize that we have it. People often have difficulty in admitting that they are perfectionists. In addition to this, they need to look at the roots of this feeling within them. When they do this they can better understand what the perfectionism represents. Does it represent a lack of self esteem, a feeling of being unloved, anxiety or depression? We need to understand how it harms us and how it makes us not enjoy the things that we do. Finally it is important to learn to differentiate between perfectionism and doing our best. When we do things in a healthy way we can enjoy life more.

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Sept. 8/11 – Most People Are Not Living Up to Their Mental Health Potential

Each person is born with certain potential. According to particular circumstances in his or her life, a person will achieve some measure of living up to their potential. As a Toronto therapist I try to help people achieve their emotional and psychological potential. However, I believe that the people who come to me are a minority. The majority do not live up to their mental health potential. Why is this so?

There are many reasons for this. The first one is that emotional problems are still stigmatized. They are looked on as weak. In the past week an ex Toronto Maple Leaf player committed suicide. He reported to his mother that he felt depressed. Nevertheless he was unable to go to a therapist or doctor in order to help himself with depression.  It is such a great shame that this fine young man felt too ashamed to get help. If he had a physical problem he would have gotten help. I have heard similar things from many of the people who I see for treatment. A man who I helped with his addiction told me that he drank because he wanted to ‘hide’ his anxiety and lack of self esteem. I see much the same pattern with people who have anger management issues. Many of them have said to me that it felt ‘more powerful’ to get angry then to show vulnerable feelings.  When many people with this problem feel stress, fear or sadness they will often ‘blow up’ at such times.

Another reason I believe that people do not reach their mental health potential is that there is a belief that people are who they are and that will never change. I remember Jack Nicholson in a movie, raging at a group of people in a psychiatrist’s office, saying, what are you doing here, ‘this is as good as it gets’. I often see this attitude with Children of Alcoholics who grow up in an unhealthy atmosphere and have the belief that dysfunctional behaviour is normal and people can’t get better.  Even people who are codependent and want to change everyone else do not believe that they themselves can change. How can these beliefs change? How can people begin to achieve their mental health potential?

The first change that needs to happen is that we all need to realize the truth that every person has emotional and psychological difficulties; that this is just as normal as a physical problem. Until this happens people, for the most part, will avoid looking at themselves honestly. They will continue to rationalize, project, blame, deny and generally run away from what they are feeling if it is construed as ‘weak’ or ‘crazy’. They will also stigmatize others with similar problems, which inhibits them from talking about their problems.

As for the argument that people can’t change, I have seen many people change. People have the capacity to undertake self examination and alter their thoughts and behaviour. They can do this because the human mind is capable of learning that  encompasses growth and expansion. For example I have helped people who have suffered from childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse. The psychological injuries suffered by these people can be immense. Yet I have seen them make very positive changes and lead productive and happy lives. How is this achieved?

First of all, many psychological wounds happen during childhood. People’s minds, at this time in their lives are quite vulnerable and exposed to the thoughts, feelings and problems of their parents, and are unable to edit what is received by these ‘overinfluential’ people. Thus if a parent categorizes a child as ‘bad’ the child believes this. A change can happen when they become adults and their minds can have the capacity to ‘see beyond’ their child mind. They can assimilate new information about who they are.

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August 29/11 – I’ve Got A Problem – Can You Fix It?

In my Toronto therapy practice I frequently hear these words. “Can you fix my problem?” Usually when we talk further I get a sense that the person will want this problem eliminated as soon as possible and as easily as possible. The problem is defined as something that needs to be repaired or removed without a great deal of time or work invested, as though I can deal with it immediately.

I can understand these feelings, as I’ve had them myself. However, since the ‘problem’ is us and who we are, we cannot just erase it. We need to, first, understand it/us as deeply as possible, and, second, to slowly find ways of managing it, as we can’t eliminate who we are. Another thing that I explain to people is that I don’t fix the problem; I help them to understand it so that they can deal with it.

For example, a man came to me suffering from depression. He was middle aged and had experienced depression and stress for many years. He did, of course, want me to fix it, and could I do it in about “3 or 4 sessions.” I explained to him that, having heard his history, I could see that it was a lifelong problem that began in his early childhood and was very deeply rooted. He was dismayed by this and even more dismayed when I said that the problem could not be eliminated but managed. He said that this was ‘not acceptable’ to him and that he would go to a therapist who ‘could change his thinking’. I can empathize with a person’s desire to be rid of a problem that is plaguing them, but I also know from experience that deeply rooted problems are not dealt with by quick fixes.

On the other hand, another man came to me suffering from many problems. He was a child of alcoholic parents and was a drug addict. In addition he was a sex addict and was found out by his wife who threw him out of the house. His levels of anxiety and stress were huge and he was seriously thinking of suicide. Nevertheless when we began talking and the words ‘fix quickly’ came up I was able to help him understand that this problem was himself and his history. I also was able to help him realize that he couldn’t eliminate his problem, but he could learn to manage it and lead a positive life. Eventually he was able to deal with his problems and learn to manage them, and he and his wife were able to get back together.

This man already had the knowledge that life is not easy. We can’t, so to speak, just change the channel. We have to grapple with our deepest selves and histories, and we need great discipline and strength to do so.

Such an approach can often be difficult with those suffering from co-dependency since the problem they want to fix is another person. I recall a woman who came to me wanting me to ‘give her advice on how to fix her alcoholic husband’. Eventually I was able to explain to her that her problem was more herself and that she concentrated on her husband to avoid looking at herself. However, as with many codependents, she understood what I was saying on one level, but still put most of her energy on her husband. Over time, plus many struggles, she was able to see that she was avoiding looking at herself and could finally face her own problems and deal with them.

Like others she learned that there are few shortcuts in life. I have learned and I explain to others, that the slow and steady way, which may seem difficult at times, is often the best way. It is the best way because it forces us to grapple, head on, with the depths of our own beings. And it is this process that can most develop who we are, both psychologically and spiritually. So we can’t just ‘fix it’, but through the process of honestly facing who we are, we can transform ourselves.

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July 30/11 – The Slaughter in Norway – Understanding and Dealing With Hatred

The recent horrible incident in Norway concerns a 32 year old man who killed scores of people. He justifies his reason quite extensively and feels he did the right thing. It is unfortunate that this man was not able to understand the hatred that fuelled his actions. The automatic response to such an act usually involves a ritualistic outcry that centers on the insanity of such a person. While this is true, it fails to look deeper and understand the whole picture. Particularly, it fails to understand what hate consists of. What many people fail to look at is that we all contain hate. Hate is natural, as is love. Why do we hate?

Hatred has many components. A basic component is biology; we inherit an evolutionary hatred. We started out as small groups trying to survive a hostile environment. We competed with other small groups for the resources of this environment. This competition produced violence where one group would attack and kill members of the other group. In order to facilitate this violence, a frame of mind toward ‘the other’ was fostered. Such a mindset consisted of an attitude that degraded the other group to the extent that they were represented as nonhuman. This is paralleled by modern genocides in Germany, Rwanda and Serbia. Thus evolutionary hate can be fostered by the state, but it still has to come forward in an individual. How does this happen?

There are a number of factors, but one that is often identified is insecurity or lack of self-esteem. If we feel inferior to others, one way to deal with this is to have others we can look down upon. This can be another person or a group. Hate often becomes an obsession, as the person fully invests themselves into their hatred of the other person or group. Hatred of another person or group can also come from fear. People who suffer from stress and anxiety will often seek a target to blame their fear on. In both cases hatred comes from trying to deal with an overwhelming feeling.

Overwhelming feelings also originate from abuse. Sometimes people who have suffered from childhood abuse can turn feelings of being victimized into hatred. When we look at people who have committed violent crimes fuelled by hatred, we will often see a history of childhood abuse. Victimization can also occur in dysfunctional home environments. For example, children of alcoholics often feel a great loss of self identity due to the hurt they suffered. People who seek self identity can join groups in order to give them the identity they seek. Often such groups espouse hatred as many of their members seek a target for their insecurity.

However, hatred can often be internalized and aimed against the self. In my Toronto therapy practice I meet many such people. They have been wounded in their childhoods but feel that it is their fault that others hurt them. Many people suffering from depression and addiction fit this description.  I also see this in people who experience stress and anxiety. Much of the stress and anxiety they undergo is self inflicted as they often take on too much. They don’t realize that they are hurting themselves because they feel they deserve it.

How do you deal with hatred? The first step is recognizing that you feel it. Many people I deal with do not want to recognize that they feel hatred. It makes them feel like a bad person. I explain to them that hatred is normal, as love and hate go together. It is what you do with it that makes it something harmful or not. It is also important to understand the hatred –who do you hate and why – and to understand why and how it evolved. In many cases the hatred evolved from childhood wounds and I help people see this from an adult perspective so that they can feel less upset about having these feelings. Once you recognize and own the hatred in a healthy manner you don’t have to act it out on others or yourself.

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July 14/11 Neuroplasticity – Our Brains Can Change Throughout Our Lives

Recently there have been studies that have shown that our brains are capable of change at any time within our life span. These findings go against the past belief that we can’t change beyond a certain point in our lives, usually our childhoods, or at best, our late teens or early twenties.

I believe that this old belief has a great deal of influence in how many people lead their lives. I see that people try, and succeed, in making changes to their lives; however, in most cases, these changes are exterior; they don’t happen within. In other words, most people don’t really attempt to make changes to their emotional or psychological makeup because they feel it is not possible. This is most unfortunate.

In my years as a Toronto therapist I have witnessed people making many changes, big and small, to their emotional and psychological selves. What accompanies these changes is an expansion of the capacity of their brains. For example, in my work with children of alcoholics, who also exhibit codependent behaviour, I often see a pattern of rigid behaviour. They frequently have difficulty in making even the smallest change to their routines. In terms of brain function they have difficulty encompassing new ideas. This has much to do with an early environment where there was a disconnect between words and actions. Simply stated, their developing minds were prevented from making logical connections. I try to help them understand what happened in their development from an adult perspective. Why is this important?

It is important because the adult understanding given in therapy enables people’s brains to forge new connections. These new connections give them more flexibility in their lives and allow them to make decisions where their hearts and minds are now in greater sync. Certainly incomplete brain connections in childhood will often prevent a person from being coordinated in their mind and body. This is quite evident with people who are suffering from depression and addictions. I find that such people feel a great lack of self esteem, which stems from an incomplete childhood perception of who they are. Often their parents either actively or passively made them feel that they were not worthy people. Again the work is to forge new neural connections by helping them see themselves from an adult perspective. In this way they are expanding their brains and allowing themselves to more correctly evaluate their child perceptions.

Child perceptions also become dominant when there is childhood abuse. What happens to the developing brain in the context of such trauma is a lack of development of the rational or critical function of the brain since this is inhibited by the abuse. With this type of injury an anger management problem often develops since the brain is unable to ‘step back’ and calmly evaluate many situations. By enabling people to fully comprehend their past they are building a new picture based upon their mature adult brain. This allows for the brain to make new connections which can augment the incomplete child picture.

It is true that adult brains are not as pliable and changeable as child brains. However, adult brains have reasoning power and experience that can enable them to learn new things. Compare this to language learning. It is very easy to learn a language when we are young, but it is possible to learn the language when we are older. Certainly it is harder, but with hard work and discipline we can learn a new language and we can also learn to make emotional and psychological changes that can greatly enrich our lives.

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June 29/11 Motivation to Change is Key, But Isn’t Simple

In studies related to such mental health problems as addiction and depression, whether or not a person is motivated to change has been identified as a key factor in successful treatment. It sounds simple, the greater your desire to change, the more you will do to change, and therefore you have a good chance of a positive outcome. However, it isn’t. When I began my career as a Toronto therapist I thought motivation was a simple thing – you just point out to a person that their behaviour is hurting them and they will be motivated to stop it. When I saw that this was not the case, I became quite frustrated. Why didn’t people make an effort to make changes? Were people simply not trying? Could they care less about changing their lives? Did they just want to remain ill and feel sorry for themselves? All these questions came to mind as I struggled to deal with the problem of motivation. Similarly, people who are close to addicts and those suffering from depression ask themselves the same questions and frequently blame the suffering person.

Thankfully, over time I have developed a more helpful attitude to the problem of motivation. Like most reality it is not black or white. Simply stated, people want to change and they don’t want to change. Better put, a part of them wants to change and a part of them doesn’t. It is easy to understand the part that wants to change. For example, a client who was a child of alcoholic parents led a very difficult life. He experienced stress, anxiety, co-dependency and depression. He wanted this pain to end, yet when we began our work, he did little or nothing to help himself.   I struggled with my feelings of anger and frustration, yet with him and others, I have had to come to a place of understanding. I needed to begin to look at the problem of motivation in ways that I could feel compassion and understanding.

One way to look at this problem is in terms of fear. We fear the unknown. The old saying, “The devil you know is better than the one you don’t know” holds true. Even with the very painful aftermath of childhood abuse, which can make a person’s life a nightmare, there can be resistance to change. Trauma can do this; it can create an emotional inflexibility in a person because the person has become so terrified that they can’t easily adapt to new things. In addition, with victims of childhood abuse and others, there is also the question of self esteem. They don’t feel that they are worthy of having a better life. This interferes with the motivation to make changes. Furthermore, childhood wounds can create feelings of helplessness. A person wants to change but feels helpless to do so.

So the question is – how can motivation be encouraged when there are all these factors which stand in the way? Where I start with people is helping them to identify the factors. I look at their problems of self esteem, helplessness and sense of inflexibility.  I point out to them that having these traits is not their fault, since they, and others, will blame them. I also don’t push them (they usually do a lot of this themselves) and try to help them develop a sense of kindness and compassion towards their problem. Furthermore, I tell them to begin by not doing things, since this often just activates the motivation struggle within them and creates further frustration.  I tell them to begin by listening to the struggle within themselves. Become aware of the part of them that wants to change and the part that doesn’t. Awareness is very important in this process and it can expand.

One way I help people expand their awareness is to become aware of the part of them that is functional. In other words, I help them to see that they have a capable, adult part that is often shown in their work and in the way that they are often able to help other people. If I can help them see that this part is real, I hope that over time we can apply this part of themselves to their own problem. I also encourage people to journal and meditate in order to expand their awareness. When you journal, write about this struggle within. Some people write the voice of the one who wants to grow and the one that doesn’t. Journaling is quite simple and low tech. I also encourage a type of mindfulness meditation where you sit and just listen to what is going on inside as best you can. Don’t try to change anything; listen to your body, thoughts and feelings. Remember, with both of these, don’t push, and be gentle.

Gradually by becoming aware of the inner struggle you can eventually come to ways of making changes. Don’t go for big ones at first, try small ones and look at your efforts as an experiment where mistakes happen and can be corrected. Keep this in mind - it is quite normal to be conflicted about making any changes in our life. Motivation is often not pure. One part of us wants to change and another doesn’t. Always take it easy. Be kind to yourself, but at the same time be persistent.

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June 9/11 Ultimate Fighting, Baby Storm and Gender Identification

To begin with, I will define sex and gender. Sex is the physical characteristics that accompany being either male or female. Gender is the societal expectations, customs, behaviour, etc. that accompany being male or female. In respect to gender, I am reminded of two examples which, for me, highlight this topic.

The first concerns ultimate fighting. I confess to watching it on television, and I also watch the profiles of the fighters that are shown in order to advertise the sport. The thing that most of them have in common is that their intimate relationships do not go well. It is not surprising, since these men have become who they are by suppressing their vulnerable feelings, and showing vulnerable feelings are an important part of having an intimate relationship.

Somewhat on the other end of the spectrum, a Toronto couple have refused to divulge the sex of their baby, ‘Storm’, who is now 4 months old. They claim that Storm will be unduly influenced in his/her personality by people’s gender expectations. Their decision has ignited a controversy that has literally spread around the world.

In my Toronto therapy practice I see that gender has often had a great influence on the lives of the people who see me. They have all been influenced by the pressures that have been put on them by society’s expectations of how they should act as a male or female. Certainly in any society if a person lives up to the ideal of what it means to be a man or a woman they are looked up to by that society. The problem with this, is that the more a man or woman becomes this ideal the more unbalanced they are as a human being. On the other hand, the more they fail to live up to these ideals, the more that society will deem them unfit. Over the years I have continually seen these negative affects in the lives of the people I work with.

Many addicts I have worked with have exhibited hyper masculine (as in the ultimate fighters) or hyper feminine characteristics. In other words they were extreme in their gender identification. The problem with this is that we are neither all masculine nor all feminine; we have characteristics of both genders. Therefore if we fit society’s gender role we have to suppress part of who we are. When I look at the history of a person’s addiction I often see that he or she felt forced to hide part of who they were due to gender pressures. Furthermore, alcoholic families often exhibit  extreme gender roles, so that children of alcoholics are frequently harmed by this. They often try to be as male or female as possible.

However, it is very hard to fulfill all the gender ideals of a society. This causes many problems for the individual who is deemed as a failure to be masculine or feminine enough. Many of my clients suffering from depression and self esteem problems report that they didn’t feel they were ‘tough enough’ as a male or ‘pretty enough’ as a female. They were often derided by family or friends for this.  They felt that this was a major source of stress and anxiety in their lives.

Gender, of course, plays a big part in relationships. A frequent scenario in my practice is a couple where gender becomes quite polarized. In other words the woman does most of the feeling and the communicating and the man takes an opposite position. As a result there can be conflict where the woman feels alone and neglected. She will often exhibit codependent behaviour in order to help her partner change and become a different person. A large percent of marriage counselling has couples that exhibit these characteristics.

All of us need to examine the effect of gender roles on our lives. If we can do this we can understand why we have made choices in our lives, our work, our relationships, our choices. We might discover that our gender role had a powerful effect upon our identity, and perhaps this role harmed our life. When we can think about this we can have a chance to make changes to our life based upon the discovery of our true identity.

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May 28/11 Dividing Ourselves Up – A Common Psychological Defence

In my Toronto therapy practice most of the people I deal with are functional. In other words, they are able to hold down jobs, raise families, have friends and otherwise enjoy a more or less normal life. You might then ask, “Why are they seeking professional psychological help?” In most cases the reason is that some symptom has arisen that is upsetting the balance of their lives. It may be addiction, depression, anxiety, stress or relationship problems. They have often had this symptom before, but it has now reached the point of upsetting their daily lives.

When I examine the problem with them I often find that it has come from a part of themselves that they hid away in order to function. Usually when they were young they divided themselves up into different parts because they realized (unconsciously) that they couldn’t tolerate certain feelings. You might compare this to a house where it is divided into rooms. In the case of a person they will occupy the ‘room’ that is more comfortable and not go into the room that isn’t. What often happens, though, is that the part of them that is unoccupied becomes forgotten over time. I will illustrate this with an example.

A man comes to see me. He is a professional man with a family who has led an otherwise good life. However, his wife feels that he drinks too much and too often. He refuses to label himself an alcoholic since he sees alcoholics as people who are on the street begging. I explain to him that many people suffering from addiction are individuals like him are quite competent at coping with life.

When we examine his childhood we learn that when he was young his parents fought a great deal. They eventually divorced when he was in his early teens. When I first talk about how that must have hurt him he dismisses my words by saying, “Lots of people have worse problems, mine was nothing compared to them.” I explain to him that, even though this may be true, it does not mean that his pain was of no consequence. We struggle with this for a while; however, eventually he begins to realize that indeed he was very hurt as a child. He also realizes that he ‘cut this part off’ so that he wouldn’t hurt so much. He also sees that he still has this part because he can easily become hurt or feel a lack of self esteem and this is when he drinks.

This example is quite common in my practice. I explain to people that their defence was necessary; however, it now is causing them a problem. If we return to my previous metaphor of rooms within us, the unoccupied room is still part of us, and it is indeed occupied. It is occupied by painful memories, shame, hurt, anger and a host of other upsetting feelings. We might have consciously forgotten these feelings, but they are still there on an unconscious level, and this is where their problems stem from.

In order to do this it is important to confront and retrieve these memories. We do this by talking about family history and gradually facing the feelings we have locked away. So if we have endured childhood abuse, we need to look at this hidden place within us. Those who claim it is best to ‘forget the past’, fail to take into account the human brain which encodes childhood pain.

We cannot erase our histories. We have to acknowledge them and work with them. Our human identity comes from all that we have experienced: the good and the bad. When we are able to be a whole person and integrate our past, we are able to have more of a complete identity. By doing this we become stronger people.

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May 12/11 How Politics Resemble Dysfunctional Families

In Canada we recently had a federal election. The lead up to the election featured personal attacks, lies, manipulation, deep divisions, poor communication, dissatisfaction and profound alienation. It reminded me, very much, of dysfunctional families.

In my Toronto therapy practice I meet many people who come from dysfunctional families. Many of them are children of alcoholics, harmed by this type of environment. Certainly these families are often distinguished by conflict, anger and lack of communication. As a result of this, its members often feel neglected, misunderstood and disempowered. It therefore follows that children from these families are affected in a variety of ways. They often lack self esteem, become depressed, anxious, feel great stress and have anger management problems. Generally they lack the tools to have a healthy intimate relationship.

In the environment of a dysfunctional family, coping mechanisms such as addiction and co-dependency often result. There is very little support for individual expression and health, so that psychological and emotional survival becomes the only option. A child in this type of family frequently feels alone and isolated. Many of my clients who came from this background report it as feeling like a jail sentence.

It is also not surprising that these are the environments that foster childhood abuse. This treatment becomes possible where patriarchy, power over, poor communication and no concept of negotiation are possible. Denial is also rampant in an abusive household. For example, I have had clients who were sexually abused, as well as their siblings. However, the siblings deny the abuse.

I began this mental health tip with a comparison of politics and families. I have shown how they are similar. Yet I believe that this similarity is not a coincidence because families produce the people that constitute the society and the political discourse. Therefore dysfunctional families will produce a dysfunctional political system. Since our political system is quite dysfunctional, am I saying that the majority of families are dysfunctional? Yes. 

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April 30/11 Are We Good or Evil?

In my years as a Toronto therapist I have encountered many people. They have taught me a great deal about human nature. Many were suffering from a variety of problems. They had numerous experiences in their private lives; some helped others, some hurt others, some did both, some made great changes in their lives, others made none, a number of them spent their lives in self destructive behaviour, they all, to some degree, were complex people. They were capable of doing good things or doing bad things. And as different as they were, they had certain things in common.

What they had in common was the need to love and be loved. Many of them were wounded as children because they were not loved, or the love given to them wasn’t shown positively. This harmed their lives greatly. It caused depression, addiction, stress, anxiety and a host of other problems. In order to protect themselves from their wounds they adopted a variety of defences such as anger or co-dependency. I see that it is the people’s defences of people that lead them to do harm to themselves and others.

Addiction is a common defence. I often find that the addicted people I work with are very sensitive. They feel things quite deeply and can have a high degree of empathy for others. They also often have a deep spirituality. Yet, these same people can do highly destructive acts towards themselves and others. In a similar manner, inner pain can cause a person to become depressed. In such a state, a person can often withdraw from others and cause great pain. Of course their actions also become self destructive, even though they may also be good people.

As well as defences, good people are often led astray through learned behaviour. They do not know any better. They grow up in a toxic environment that models hurtful behaviour. For example, children of alcoholics will often adopt the negative habits of those they grew up with. They also can act in a co-dependent and controlling manner that harms others as a result of such an environment. Furthermore, in dysfunctional families one often learns to cover up a lack of self esteem through damaging the self esteem of others. Again, when I have worked with people who began to realize how such behaviour was formed, they will often make changes to be good to themselves and others.

In addition to the home environment, our societal environment can have a great affect upon our behaviour. Since the early 90’s there have been clear changes in society due to the economic changes that have occurred. As a result, stress and anxiety have also increased. With this have come greater instances ofmarriage breakdown, family erosion and a host of societal tensions that have placed people in more adversarial and negative positions towards one another. It is difficult to be a positive individual in such a situation.

Therefore, what I have come to conclude is that we are rarely black or white; we are complex beings, capable of good or bad. What is necessary in order for us to change is consciousness. We need to realize who we are and what we are doing to ourselves and others. It is only then that we begin to have a choice. We also have to take responsibility. We cannot go on saying, “I am like this because of others.” We need to take it upon ourselves to be the best we can be and deal with the negativity of others in a way that we do not become ensnared in it. Instead of being prisoners of our pasts we can become the architects of our futures.   

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April 10/11 Seeing The Cup Half Full – Easier Said Then Done, But Still Very Possible

We have all heard the phrase, ‘Do you see the cup half full or half empty.’ Of course this refers to how we perceive our world, both inside and out. In short, do we see what is positive, or possible, or do we see what is negative or not possible? It is a good thought and says a great deal about mental health. Generally it is thought that a person who can see the cup half full is mentally healthy and the person who can’t often suffers from emotional and psychological difficulties.  However, like many such wise phrases it can do harm to people.

In my Toronto therapy practice I see many people who are struggling to make their lives positive. Many will repeat the ‘Cup half full’ phrase and use it to beat themselves because they are unable to think in positive terms. In this way the phrase is harmful; more so, I think, because it is very hard to live this way. Why?

I believe that, as a species, our brains have evolved to see the negative. When we were back in the cave it was necessary for our survival to focus on the dangers outside. We couldn’t spend the day just looking and thinking of the beauty around us, we had to be concentrating at all the things that could harm us. So what can we do about this natural tendency to look at life this way?

I certainly run into the difficulty of dealing with this tendency when I meet people who are dealing with depression. Such individuals are surrounded by people who keep telling them to think positively, but they are unable to, and feel all the worse for their ‘failure’. They suffer terribly with problems of self esteem because they keep seeing themselves as bad. People suffering from addictions are similar, in that they can’t see the cup half full unless they are intoxicated, stoned or otherwise medicated by their addiction. To make matters worse, relying on the addiction prevents them from developing resources that could help them. Similarly, individuals dealing with co-dependency fail to find the resources to gain a positive perspective because, they too, follow an addictive pattern. Learning to view reality can be a great difficulty also for people who come from dysfunctional and destructive environments. How can we learn to do this?

It is not a simple process to start seeing ourselves in a more balanced fashion when we have mostly seen the negative (or the perceived negative) throughout our lives. Again, we can’t just do simplistic acts, like going in front of the mirror and saying, “I love you” ten times or so. The way I help people begin the process is to assist them in establishing a sense of identity. For example, children of alcoholics often lack a self perception. They grew up in a household where chaos reigned and there was no easy way to be supported in a sense of self by overburdened parents. Therefore I work with such people in learning about their history, getting them to truly understand what happened to them and why. This process can begin to give people a way of standing back from their lives for the first time and seeing themselves as never before. However, this is the start of the process. More must be done and this involves work and self discipline.

This work and discipline is around the act of learning to self parent. Again, this is not simple, but it is possible. It begins with the idea that people often treat themselves much worse than they treat others. I see this with people who have suffered childhood abuse. They can live lives of great stress and anxiety, because they have internalized their abusive environments, and most of their internal dialogues involve self criticism and judgement. When we focus on a specific instance of how they treat themselves, I will ask them to contrast this with how they would speak to a friend or loved one in the same situation. The answer is always totally the opposite; they would be kind to this person, talk gently and supportively, and do all they could to help them. I try to implant this idea in them and help them grow their good internal parent. This is where the discipline and work really begin.

The qualities of discipline and hard work are needed to persist in doing something that is totally unnatural to a person who has learned from a very early age to be unkind to themselves. I ask them to start by listening to their inner dialogue, to become very aware of how they speak to themselves and how they treat themselves. This takes concentration and involves discomfort, to listen to how we continually hurt ourselves. I also ask them to gradually start to foster what I call a defence attorney who will defend us. Again, this is not natural for us, but the discipline of doing it over and over can eventually produce a shift inside where we can be more conscious of self care. In addition we also need to consciously work at self care on all levels; to become aware of how we can treat ourselves better in our health, our activities, our work etc. All of this involves a full commitment to our lives.

Therefore, to sum up, seeing the cup half full is no easy task for many people. It really begins with us, on the inside, seeing ourselves as half full, even though our lives have been spent in seeing ourselves negatively. It involves the hard but rewarding work of reparenting ourselves. However, despite its difficulty, I have seen many people who have committed themselves to this task and have succeeded in learning to see the cup half full.

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March 25/11 – We Are Haunted By Ghosts – How Mental Health Is Transmitted Intergenerationally

Over the years, in my work as a Toronto therapist, I have come to realize that the person across from me in my office is inhabited by many people. They are their parents, their grandparents, their great grandparents, and so on down the line for many generations. How does this happen?

This happens because mental health is a learned phenomenon. In other words our parents hand down their mental health to us. They do this by modelling mental health. If they are depressed we are influenced by this, if they are angry or suffering from addiction, this will also affect us. Whether or not we are affected by becoming depressed, angry or suffering from addictions, we will react in some manner because in childhood our parents are the people who we look up to and depend on the most. Therefore, I will examine the childhood of my clients in order to better to understand them. And, as we continue their family exploration, it will be revealed that mental health patterns were handed down from previous generations.

For example, a client who was suffering from depression and a lack of self esteem talked about how his parents were both depressed people who drank and treated him in an unkind and critical manner. Later, when we talked about his parents’ history we learned that they too came from families where addiction and depression predominated. Codependency is also fostered in such an environment. The same person reported that his sister took the role of caretaker in the family. When we talked of her role my client said that his aunt and grandmother took similar roles in their alcoholic environments.

Certainly childhood abuse is handed down in families. The people who I meet, who have experienced physical, emotional or sexual childhood abuse,  have reported to me that they were aware that other generations had experienced this also. Families in which this happens have been observed to cultivate a culture of abuse. In such a culture the family members have problems with shame, anger, communication, expressing feelings, self-esteem and honesty. Again, these emotional expressions can be passed down from one generation to the other.

It is often argued that mental health is handed down via ‘genetics’. However, in my work I see that the way people are treated by their family has a great deal to do with how they turn out. For this reason it is important for people to see that their healing involves realizing that they can do something to end the intergenerational transmission of family mental health. They can start to become conscious of their family behavioural pattern and begin to take steps that will alter what happened to them in the family. We are not powerless. We can make a difference.

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March 10/11 – How We Numb Our Feelings

In my work as a Toronto therapist I encounter people who suffer from a variety of problems. Many of them have one thing in common, they numb their feelings. When I use the word ‘numb’ I am referring to an inner desensitization that takes place within the person. How does this process occur? What methods do people use to numb their feelings?

A very common method is addiction. In addition to the serious addictions, drugs and alcohol, there are many other addictions that are used in order to dull their feelings. Certainly I see that many people use computers and other electronic devices in an obsessive, repetitive manner that helps them hide their feelings. People also numb their feelings by creating havoc or crisis in their lives. This paradoxically desensitizes them. Many of my clients live in a perpetual state of chaos that creates great stress and anxiety. They learned this as children, often being children of alcoholics who grew up in a household that was characterized by upheaval. In addition, co-dependents, often ACOAs themselves, become over involved in the feelings of others in order to hide their own feelings.    

As well as external methods of numbing feelings there are internal ones that our bodies utilize in order to hide our feelings. Depression is a way that the body can shut down feelings. My depressed clients often report feeling that their feelings are mostly ‘turned off’ and they just feel a great weariness and heaviness. Another internal numbing method is dissociation. Dissociation is an internal defensive manoeuvre that acts like a switch which hides our feelings. This method of defence is used in conjunction with trauma. It can take place at the time of the trauma or after. For example, people who suffered childhood abuse will often automatically dissociate in times of stress. 

The numbing of feelings is a natural human defence. It helps us to deal with overwhelming feelings that we cannot handle. In this way it serves us well. The problem occurs with what I term as ‘carry over’. Carry over means that our childhood defences do not stop once the problem is over. In other words, we are still in emergency mode throughout our life. This is why many people are constantly protecting themselves. Numbing is just one of these defences. Yet, taken too far, it can harm our lives in the ways I have mentioned. How can we help ourselves with this problem?

To begin with, we need to realize that we are numbing ourselves. This can be difficult to do as numbing will restrict our awareness. However, the signs of numbing such as depression, addiction, anxiety, stress etc. can be signals that we are dulling our feelings and thoughts. From this we may start to name the problem. Since it is linked to other problems we can initiate actions in order to confront the problems. Therapy, 12 step groups, support groups, talking to people we trust are some measures we can take. These will start the process of dealing with the ways in which we have numbed ourselves and withdrawn from life. People beginning this process can feel overwhelmed at first, but if they persist they will find that they will become more aware of their feelings and gain a greater sense of identity and peace of mind.

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February 21/11 – The Power of Vulnerability

I talk to many people about the emotional problems they experience. I find that most of them, no matter what the problem, have one thing in common. They are struggling with vulnerability.

When I use the word ‘vulnerable’ with clients they equate it with being weak. They are trying as hard as possible to remain ‘strong’ and ‘in control’. It is hard to convince them that their efforts at being strong are a big part of their problem. I can understand their way of thinking, since we are taught that it is good for us to be tough in order to best cope with life. Certainly it makes sense to be strong in areas such as work and business, yet this way of thinking can harm us with regards to our mental health and close relationships.

For example, people suffering from depression often feel that their condition is a sign of weakness. For this reason they will not tell anyone what is happening to them, which isolates them and makes the situation worse. In addition, many of the feelings that afflict them concern feelings such as grief, sadness, fear and self doubt. However, because they feel that such feelings are ‘weak’, they do not want to look at them and this intensifies the depression. A similar attitude is found in people who experience addictions. Many of them become addicts because this is the only way that they know of to cope with vulnerable feelings.

A large number of the people I work with in my Toronto therapy practice have parents who could not control their drinking. These children of alcoholics suffer from a variety of problems that include considerable stress and anxiety. These problems and others came about partly because they did not feel it was possible for them to show their vulnerable feelings in their dysfunctional households.
Certainly people who suffered childhood abuse could not show their vulnerability. In most cases they learned to hide their wounds. Thus, they and others, who were forced to protect themselves while growing up enter into adulthood unable to remove their armour. When they want to do this, in order to heal, they find it difficult and seek guidance from me. How do I help them?

To begin with I work towards helping them realize that they were wounded. This is not easy, because a major part of their defence is the denial or minimization of what happened to them. For example, a man recently said to me, “I know that things were not great at home, but there are so many people in this world who have it way worse than me.” Or a woman who had been sexually abused by her alcoholic father said, “When he wasn’t drunk he was a pretty good guy and besides, it happened so many years ago.”

I have learned that I have to go slowly with my observations about their situation, because it is not good to try to quickly dismantle a person’s defence that has served a needed purpose in their life. Instead I slowly show them that they were mistreated. At times the question, “What would happen to your children if you did the same thing to them?”, will produce understanding. I will also help them in terms of anger management by talking about the feelings that are beneath the anger; usually they are vulnerable feelings.

The next stage, which often follows some degree of realization of vulnerability, involves talking about instances of how they were hurt and how they are still hurt by others. Here I am trying to help them reframe their feelings. A big part of this can involve helping them to face the shame which underlies many of these hurt feelings. Shame is often very hard to deal with.

I also explain to people how vulnerability can produce strength. When we are connected to our vulnerability, we can have a greater access to our own feelings, and through this, have a greater awareness of who we are. In addition, we can learn that our vulnerable feelings, rather than hurt us, can connect us more fully to others. Finally, by opening ourselves up to our vulnerable feelings we can realize that our ‘strength’ was a way of hiding from the truth of who we are. In this way we can begin to live in a much more genuine and genuinely strong manner.

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February 7/11 – Dishonesty – It Is All Around Us and It Does Great Damage

In my work as a Toronto therapist I encounter people suffering from a variety of problems related to mental health. In most, if not all cases, I find that some form of dishonesty has played a major role in the development of the person’s illness.

This fact is clearly seen in children of alcoholics or other families that suffer from some dysfunction. When my clients tell their stories I am struck by the amount of energy their family used in order to hide the problem from everyone around them. Inside the house they would act in an outrageous and destructive manner, but outside of the house they were the model of good people.  Phrases such as “The whole world thought we were the healthiest family.” or “My father was known to be a guy who would do anything for anybody (father was a violent sexual perpetrator inside the house).” are frequently uttered inside my office.

How does such dishonesty affect people? First of all, it makes them doubt their own perceptions. They end up not trusting their thoughts and feelings. Their true selves are buried away. This causes them great suffering which in turn leads to depression, addiction, lack of self-esteem, anxiety and stress, among other things. Furthermore, these people are all afflicted with a deep sense of shame.

Shame may be at the core of family dysfunction. When our environment is all about dishonesty we may dedicate a lot of  energy to hiding our self, because we are ashamed of who we are. However, we cannot hide this pain from ourselves, for it will come out in many ways. For example, a woman I saw realized that her overachieving and co-dependency came from her efforts to hide her shame. She realized that her life became as dishonest as the life of her family of origin. Another man, who had suffered childhood sexual abuse, felt great shame because no other sibling would admit that such a thing happened. This dishonesty isolated him and increased his pain.

Dishonesty doesn’t just happen in the family; it happens in society. So much of what happens around us: advertising, business, politics, education and religion contain a great deal of untruth. Thus, we find ourselves with very few options to express who we are in an authentic manner. Even the social custom of grieving is often robbed of its full feeling by many people who condemn too much emotion. This can deplete grief of its full healing expression.

When we are deprived of honest expression we fear it in others. For this reason I see that people in relationships are not only afraid to be honest, they suppress honesty in their partners. I have talked to many people who have admitted that they “fooled their partner into thinking they were somebody else,” in order to be accepted by them. The stress of pretending they were someone else finally became too great and the relationship ended. Relationships are also affected by co-dependency. Codependent relationships are characterized by dishonesty. This occurs because people cannot honestly face their own life and therefore become involved with other lives as a kind of substitute life.

How can we deal with dishonesty in our life? The first place to start is to look, as best we can, at what may be dishonest in our life. Of course this is difficult because we can fool ourselves so completely that we are unable to see our own dishonesty. However, one suggestion is to look at the areas of our life that we are finding emotionally difficult. Often such difficulty can point towards a self deception. For example I have helped people who had difficulty with relationships. They felt that others were constantly rejecting them for no reason at all, since they saw themselves as people who treated others well. When we more carefully examined their relationships they eventually realized that they were frequently angry at people and had very little patience with them. Their new honesty enabled them to take responsibility and improve their relationships.

Since our environment is steeped in dishonesty, it is not easy to identify dishonesty in our own life. However, if we can begin to examine our whole life, past and present, and the people and things we have associated with, we can confront the truth of who we are and what has formed us.   

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January 20/11 – Neglect –How it Harms People

I remember reading of an experiment on 3 baby monkeys. One was treated well by its mother, one was abused and one was abandoned, though it was still fed and cared for by the researchers. The neglected one died, while the other two survived.

As a Toronto therapist I have witnessed varying degrees of neglect over the years. In most cases it is the Western form of neglect; a person is taken care of physically, but not emotionally. I have worked with many people who tell me that they, ‘were loved,’ also describe a situation where their parents paid very little attention to their feelings. They couldn’t figure out why they were suffering from pain. This points out the fact that humans need healthy emotional connection.

I see many people who suffer from depression come from such an environment. They often blame themselves for not being able to appreciate all, ‘the advantages,’ which their environment provided them. Similarly people suffering from addiction often come from neglectful environments. Indeed, many of these are children of alcoholics, who are often unable to provide emotional nurturing. With both types I also see personal neglect; they often disregard their feelings and ignore their essential self needs.

People who neglect their feelings and personal needs will frequently ignore those of the people close to them. I have dealt with partners of neglected individuals who feel very alone in the relationship. This often causes them stress and anxiety. And it often happens that children of neglected individuals will themselves be neglected.

Individuals who have suffered from childhood abuse suffer from an extreme form of neglect. Their essential human needs are not only ignored but they are attacked and defiled. Their abusers attempt to destroy their sense of self. Many of the people who are found living on the streets have suffered childhood abuse. Their sense of who they are has been so injured that they are unable to function in society.

I also see an injured sense of self in codependent people. They often come from alcoholic households where they suffered neglect. As a result they often report a feeling of being, ‘empty inside.’ When they take care of others to an unhealthy extent they are often trying to fill the hole inside them.

What can we do to counter a childhood where our feelings and identity were not honoured by our parents? The first step is always awareness. We need to realize that this dismissal harmed us in many ways. Following this it is important to begin to learn to recognize and take care of our feelings. By doing this we are reparenting ourselves. This is generally a gradual process that requires work and discipline. Of course, part of this will involve healing the relationships with the people we have neglected.

Childhood neglect that involves the diminishment of our feelings and identity can produce profound personal damage. Nevertheless, when we can be aware of what happened to us and  how it affected our lives, we can begin the process of healing and honour our humanity.

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Jan 4/11 – We Should Treat Mental Health Like Physical Health

Facts and figures about mental health show that all kinds of mental illness and distress have increased to an alarming degree over the past 20 years. There are many factors that contribute to this figure, such as greater economic stress, dramatic changes, erosion of stable institutions and societal roles, etc. Nevertheless, what makes this increase even larger is our response to the problem. For the most part, we treat mental illness – from minor to major – as a weakness rather than a normal life occurrence. There would be much better outcomes if we treated mental health like physical health.

We look at the maintenance and treatment of physical health, on all levels, as a normal and acceptable part of life. It can be talked about, worked on, improved, examined and studied with a relatively open mind. Mental health, on the other hand, is shrouded in shame, secrecy, ignorance, antiquated ideas and a kind of fatalistic despair.

For example, people suffering from depression are virtually shunned. As a result, many do not seek help in the early stages when treatments can be more effective. This does not happen with physical problems; people will usually take steps when they first realize that they have a physical illness. In a similar manner people often feel like failures when they can’t handle stress. As a result their shame often prevents them from facing the stress. Since stress is often a precursor of other problems such as anxiety, addiction, anger management and depression, their failure to address the problem can be a major cause of these illnesses. 

A major principle of physical health is a proactive approach. We are given many ways to prevent physical illness such as diet, exercise, not smoking etc. However, with emotional and psychological illness very little helpful proactive approaches to deal with their distress that people are taught. For example, mental health is not being taught in the schools when such information could be valuable at this vulnerable time in life. In addition, the information that is out there concerning mental health is very naive, clichéd and mostly unhelpful. In my Toronto therapy practice I have had many people come to me who have suffered childhood abuse who reported that people had told them such things as they “should just get over it,” or “send out positive intentions.” Such advice is not only useless but can be harmful because they add to a person’s sense of inadequacy.

Another area of unhelpful information for people concerns human relationships. Human relationships, especially our childhood relationships, play a big role in our future mental health. However, the information offered to people concerning their formative relationships leads them astray in understanding their  emotional and psychological structures. Children of alcoholics are often prevented from gaining insight into their problems by moral injunctions such as, “You need to forgive your parents” and the old standby, “Get over it.” Because of such wrongheaded advice ACOAs often repeat their parents’ errors with their own addiction and co-dependency issues.

Finally, when we look at the differences between the treatment of physical and mental health we see dramatic differences. The essential difference is the moral judgement that is given to mental illness in contrast to physical illness, which is seen as a normal part of life. Until mental illness is regarded in the same way then our treatment of will always be hindered by our negative societal approach.

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