December 14/10 – Midlife –Crisis or Opportunity?

In my Toronto therapy practice I see that the stage of life a person is in will affect their state of mind. One stage of life that has been a subject of discussion is midlife, around the age of forty.

Midlife will often produce stress for people. At this time they begin to emotionally realize that they are going to die at some time. As well as stress, this realization can produce many changes. It often brings about an examination of life choices, job, marriage, friends, etc. – all these can be called into question. In addition, our physiology and psychology are undergoing changes. When we get older we are no longer as physically capable as before. Furthermore, there are changes that occur in our emotional and psychological outlook that can affect us. For this reason some people will come into therapy in order to help themselves make sense of what is happening in their lives.

When I meet them I am aware that midlife can be very upsetting for a number of reasons. They begin to understand their lives in a new way. Particularly they  can recognize that their childhoods have affected their lives more than they realized. For instance, children of alcoholic parents will come to me because they see that many of their problems can be traced to these dysfunctional environments. Also, people who suffered from childhood abuse find that they cannot overcome the affects of their childhood no matter how well they have coped in their lives. In both cases, the individuals involved understand that you just cannot ‘get over’ a childhood, you need to face it and understand it.

I also find childhood histories will often be a major factor in the cases of depression and addiction. When people get to midlife and they still suffer from these problems, they cannot just put it off to youthful phases of their life. They also change their youthful perspective which says, “There is plenty of time to deal with these things, they will change.” They realize that time is limited and things will not magically change by themselves. As one person put it, “I began to emotionally sober up when I reached my middle years; I saw that life was not just some game. I am responsible for what happens in my life.”

Relationships, particularly intimate ones, can be very unsettling at this time of life. For the most part we have left behind the romantic notions of younger days and realize that relationships can be difficult and a lot of work. In this context we can become aware of many of our problems. For instance, I have met people who told me that they realized they had an anger management problem as their partner would trigger these feelings. People also become aware of how insecure they are and how wounded and anxious they feel within these intimate relationships. In this way many people begin to see themselves differently and can then make a decision to change their lives at this point.

One change that happens in midlife is the death of those who are close to us, particularly the older generation, parents, uncles, aunts, mentors etc. In addition to bringing  death closer to us it can bring up issues of grieving. It can be difficult to deal with the losses that this time of life can bring. It can call into question our values and beliefs and even our sense of who we are – our personal identity.

These changes will inevitably happen when we reach midlife. Certainly, the unsettling nature of many of these problems can bring about a crisis in our lives. However, if we are able to confront this situation in a courageous and creative manner then we can turn the crisis into an opportunity.

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Nov. 27/10 – We Heal From The Inside Out

We live in a society that constantly dangles new ‘things’ in front of us: phones, computers, clothes, furniture etc, etc. etc. .  We have to have the latest and best. In this type of environment it is very difficult to be satisfied. Of course our economy depends on dissatisfaction. We must constantly be dissatisfied with ourselves, our lives - what we have, what we do, who we’re with, where we live, etc, etc, etc – or else the economy will grind to a halt.

In my work as a Toronto therapist I am constantly encountering people who are desperately seeking someone or something that will finally make them happy. To my mind this is very much like the alcoholic who needs the next drink to prop them up. Like all addictions it is based on a feeling of emptiness inside. The truth of the matter is that we are not empty inside when we are seeking an outside release; we are in pain. The outside props are medications. In order to heal, we need to heal from the inside out.

When I work with people I try to convey this idea to them. Mostly they resist. I don’t blame them. Who wants to believe that they are filled with pain and who wants to face it? As a man who was suffering from depression and addiction recently said to me, “If I look at the pain inside of me, I will become even more depressed.” I explained to him, as I do to others, that his medicating his pain does not get rid of it. It only makes it worse since the alcohol and depression combine to cause more pain through the way his hurting himself and those around him. I realize that facing our pain hurts, but it allows us to have the opportunity to confront it and release it. I go on to explain that it is like the process of grief; those who can grieve have a better chance of letting go of their pain than those who will not grieve. However,  going within is not just about feeling pain, it can also be about seeing what is good within you.

I see this with people who are dealing with self esteem issues. I remember a woman, a child of alcoholic parents, who felt that she was worthless. Within her alcoholic family she was taught that she didn’t matter. As a result, her life was filled with self recrimination and stress. When we looked at her life, she indeed felt the pain of her childhood. But she also saw inside her a person of value with many positive traits. In this way she gained a sense of inner strength and substance. I have had similar experiences with people who engage in codependent relationships with others. They often have very little sense of identity and try to establish a sense of self through merging with people outside themselves. This often causes them great pain and stress. By going inside themselves they can begin to gain a sense of substance and self worth.

Another positive aspect of looking inside ourselves is that it can help us gain a sense of stability. When we depend on the outside for stability we find that there is very little permanence and that we have very little real control. People who have suffered from childhood abuse find that the outside world causes them great stress and anxiety. As a result of their childhood they see the outside as a threat. When they can look inside themselves they can begin to find a constant source of identity and stability. As a result they can establish a source of safety that is constant and  controllable.

Beginning from our childhood we are given the message that our sense of self esteem is gained from the outside of ourselves – our possessions and how we can prove to others that we are worthy people. However, the truth is that we cannot really grow if we only rely on the outside. In order to truly heal and gain a sense of strong identity we need to heal from the inside out.

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Nov. 14/10 - The Richness of Self Discovery

In my work as a Toronto therapist I encounter people whose thoughts about therapy are often quite negative. They use words such as “weak”, “failure”, “pitiful”, “self absorbed”, “cry-baby”, etc. to describe themselves. They also see the process of therapy as one in which they “find out the worst” of who they are and discover “what a mess” their lives are.” It is my hope that, instead of just seeing the pain in their lives, they will eventually come to see the strength and positive side of their lives. One thing that can help people to do this is the realization that whatever they are suffering from has a meaning, which can help their lives.

For example, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), often see themselves in a very negative light. They usually have very little self esteem. I try to help them see that they were very strong in coping with an often highly dysfunctional and destructive environment. I also point out that the way they survived their childhoods also showed creativity and resiliency. The same holds true for children who suffered childhood abuse. It took a great deal of power not to be fully crushed by the abuse. In fact I see that many people who suffered abuse have been able to get quite far in life despite the hardships of their childhoods.

When I work with people suffering from depression I try to show them that the depression is much more than just an oppressive illness. I try to demonstrate that their feelings are a message that they are sending themselves. It is a message telling them that they need to understand who they are and see the truth of their lives. For they are often under the misconception that they are unworthy, and the depression is trying to tell them that there are reasons why they feel this way, and that they are, in fact, good people. Similarly, addiction is a message. On the surface it is a self destructive behaviour pattern. However, when addicts are able to look beneath, they often see something with far more complexity and depth within themselves. They see pain, fear, grief, anxiety and self doubt. If they are able to examine these feelings they can come to a much deeper understanding of who they are. From this they can begin to appreciate the fullness of their beings. They can uncover the sensitivity, the love, the insight and the humanity within them.

Self discovery also often leads to spirituality. It is my belief that when we go deep within our beings we find a unity with all life. I find that many people, when they first see  me, have a dark and cynical feeling about life. People, such as those dealing with codpendency, often feel that the world is taking from them and giving them nothing. When they can see the roots of their suffering and discover their own true goodness, they can begin to have a life where they have boundaries of self care. They can then truly appreciate themselves and others and feel more optimistic about life and the spirit we inhabit.

Therefore, it is important to realize that psychological and emotional distress can be a summons to a richer life. It can cause us to challenge our lives in a positive way that can lead to a life of greater meaning and happiness.

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October 30/10 – The Problem With Highs

Today it seems that there is an emphasis on the value of peak experiences in which people are able to feel extreme feelings of elation or ‘highs’. In the movies and other media there are continual portrayals of these high experiences. In response to this, many individuals seek out situations and people that can provide them with highs. In my experience as a Toronto therapist, I have found problems with this emphasis. In the first place, I feel that extreme feelings on a regular basis can produce a type of cycling or rollercoaster effect that can produce low feelings. For example, depression is linked to sustained lows. Furthermore, people with depression also suffer from addictions. Certainly, in my Toronto therapy practice, when I talk to people, I discover that they are often live in an emotional climate of extreme highs and lows.  

Extreme emotional atmospheres are not healthy for people. I often see this with people who are dealing with stress and anxiety. They often live in an emotional rollercoaster. This is all they know. This is what they have learned in their families of origin. I see this among children of alcoholics. They grow up in a stressful atmosphere where the norm is highs and lows. They will continue this behaviour and become embroiled in codependent relationships where a ‘drama’ of some sort is often occurring. In addition, children who suffer from childhood abuse often live with highs and lows since they can be emotionally volatile. Not only do these highs and lows contribute to a greater stress level, they harm a person’s self esteem.

What can a person do to deal with the problem of highs and lows? In the first place it is important to realize that highs contribute to mood swings, since there generally is a response within our systems to highs, and this reaction can often be a low feeling. Since we get the idea that highs are positive from movies and television and that lows are negative, we need to begin to realize that seeking to experience highs can do harm. In the second place we need to realize that we are not just our feelings. We have minds, spirits and other ways of being. We can use these to promote a greater balance within ourselves.

We can also develop this emotional balance by engaging in activities that promote calm and peace. You must be the judge of what activities promote these feelings for you.  Mindfulness meditation can be one pursuit that can solidify emotional balance. It is a way of learning to calm feelings and to get a balanced perspective. Finally, the reward for emotional balance can be, not only a greater calm, but also a greater ability to enjoy life. When I speak to former addicts most will say that they enjoy life much more having a balance rather than highs and lows.

Finally, it is important to consider a way of being where we are not tossed on the storm of our emotions. Not getting hooked on peak experiences or highs can be a way of finding a balanced emotional life. In this way we can be in charge of our emotions and more capable of making decisions in life.

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Oct. 10/10 – The ‘Dark Side’ of Our Beings – Why it is Important

When I refer to the dark side of a personality I mean those parts of the personality that may contain feelings and thoughts that are difficult to face. They are often feelings that do not show us in a good light. They could be anger, violence, hatred, jealousy, racism, narcissism, contempt etc. We are generally not comfortable when we recognize these within us. Usually we do all we can to hide our dark side from ourselves, and especially, others.

Carl Jung, the eminent psychiatrist, spent much of his career writing about this topic. He said that for everything in nature there is a light and dark side. He also believed that people were not able to face their dark side because much of what resided there was contrary to religious beliefs, which advocated goodness. The problem with this, he believed, was that by repressing the dark side we were giving it more power. Indeed he felt that this universal repression has a great deal to do with the cruel, unkind and violent conditions which exist in the world.

In my 20 years as a Toronto therapist I have come to agree with Jung’s theory. I see that many people who suffer from depression have repressed or denied feelings such as anger, hurt and hatred, especially toward their families. When I begin to carefully touch on these areas they are horrified. I explain to them that love and hate go together, that it is often natural when we feel these two opposing feelings in the same relationship.

Similarly, people suffering from addictions will also repress their dark sides. They are scared that if they recognize these parts of themselves then they will be out of control and do bad things. Such people ask me why I think they should face the dark side of who they are.

There are 3 reasons why we should face the dark side of our beings. The first I have alluded to; this is the idea that if we repress dark feelings, such as anger, they can come out even stronger in a variety of ways. The second involves the idea of projection. Projection happens when we are unwilling to face uncomfortable feelings within ourselves, and as a result, believe that others have those feelings. People can project onto other racial groups, and this can fuel prejudice, or they can project onto their children, and reject them as a result. The final reason for facing our dark side is to give us more knowledge of who we are. And the more we can be aware of all aspects of ourselves, the more we can have greater personal knowledge and resources.

A good example of the above 3 reasons for facing the dark side occurs with codependent people. Such individuals can repress their anger, but it often emerges in a passive aggressive manner. In addition, they can project their dark feelings onto those around them and become overinvolved  in those lives. Finally, if they can learn about their dark sides, they can emerge from their negative behaviour.

Furthermore, in addition to emerging from negative behaviour, it is also important to understand our dark side because the qualities found there can often be transformed in an aware manner to produce positive qualities. Thus, in the case of people lacking in self esteem, there is often a repressed anger since they don’t feel good about having such feelings. Nevertheless, if they can use this anger in a positive, assertive, manner, they can feel better about themselves.

Therefore, what we call our dark side contains much of who we are. It is important that we don’t hide this information from ourselves. As we learn about this part of us, we begin to realize that we can control the feelings associated with it and live a more full and empowered life.

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Sept. 27/10 – Honour Your Daughter and Son

Most of us are aware of the fourth Commandment in the Bible. It says, ‘Honour Your Father and Mother’. Unfortunately the Bible does not address such sentiments towards children. On the contrary we find passages like, “Thou shalt beat him (the child) with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell” (Proverbs 23:14). And when I study how civilization has regarded children I come upon many examples of negative and unkind thinking about how to raise children.

There are various themes to these thoughts that have guided parents throughout the years. One of these is that children’s basic natures are inherently wrong, even wicked, and must be eliminated. Another theme is that children forget things:

“Over the years, children forget everything that happened to them in early childhood. If their wills can be broken at this time, they will never remember afterwards that they had a will, and for this reason the severity that is required will not have any lasting consequences.” (J. Suzer, 1748, taken from,’ For Your Own Good’, by Alice Miller pg. 13).

As a Toronto therapist, I have learned that these beliefs greatly contribute to all the problems we experience today as adults. Take for example, depression. Most of the  depression in clients I have worked with had its roots in childhood mistreatment. It is for this reason that children of alcoholics and people who have suffered childhood abuse experience depression as adults. In addition they suffer from stress, anxiety, low self-esteem, addiction, anxiety and codependent behaviour.

When I say this to people (even those who were abused) they often reply with phrases such as, “My parents loved me” or “My parents did their best”. Both of these statements could very well be true, however, they do not cancel bad behaviour. Love and doing your best cannot act as magic erasers that make the damage of the past disappear. Yet, over and over again, I hear people say these things. When I point this out, the inevitable reply is, “I’ve forgiven them (or should do so)”. When they say this, I feel it serves as an elimination of the past. We might forgive but we don’t forget.

Contrary to the old belief, what happens to us as children is encoded into the formation of our brains. We might not consciously remember, but our childhood has formed who we are and how we think, feel and react as adults. Because of this, it is important that any therapy will look into all the factors that made up our childhood. It is also important to know that we cannot whitewash our childhood. What hurt us then still affects us now.

For much of history there has been a way of thinking that has contributed to a disrespectful and damaging treatment of children. I see its effects in the people who come to me in their damaging childhoods. If we continue to treat children in this manner then we will continue to have damaged adults who continue to damage children. The cycle must stop.

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Sept. 12/10 – Learning to be a Good Parent to Yourself

In my Toronto therapy practice, the people I work with generally have one thing in common – they mistreat themselves. I often point out to them that if they treated their friends in such a manner, their friends would have nothing to do with them. For this reason, a lot of therapy consists of helping people to treat their own selves in a civil and kind fashion. However, they usually find this quite difficult and I have to help them learn to do this.

I often start this learning process with the basic idea that inside us we are divided into many part or selves. I then simplify this into the idea of an adult part and a child part. When we look into ourselves we can see that this is true. We do have a part that is quite emotional, vulnerable, impulsive, creative etc – this is the child. Alternately we have a part that is rational, protective, controlled, cautious etc. – this is the adult. We need both of these parts to function. The problem arises when these parts are in conflict with one another.

This conflict is quite dramatic in the case of addiction. The addict is always in a state of civil war between their adult and child. I find addicts to have overcontrolling punitive adults within them. This part is constantly stifling and criticizing the child part. As a result the child ends up feeling anger and depression. The way to combat this is through rebellion in the form of the addictive substance or behaviour. It becomes a never-ending struggle that is lose/lose.

I also see this pattern with people struggling with stress, depression or anxiety. Inside them they have a child that has needs, fears and other vulnerable emotions. However, when the adult part says something to the child in a stern manner like “Don’t be such a weak little frightened person,” this only makes the depression, stress or anxiety worse. These conditions become worse because it is impossible to stop the child’s feelings. What ends up happening is that the person comes to hate themselves and consequently the problem spirals. Like the addict, they become embroiled in a war within themselves. How can we stop doing this to ourselves and learn to accept all of who we are?

This self acceptance can come from learning how to use your inner parent in a constructive manner. For example, with children of alcoholics, I often find that they have an overdeveloped inner parent that can have a codependent relationship with others, but they are not able to take care of themselves. When I work with these people I focus on the parent part of them that is able to take care of others. The goal is to get them to use this part in order to help themselves.

When I do this type of work with my clients I show them that each part is valuable. The parent part is important for rational decision making and the child part can be a creative and intuitive help for their lives. What people must learn is to get these two parts to work together in harmony. I will often say to a person, “Would you treat your own children in this manner?” in order to give them some idea of what they are doing to themselves. We then discuss how they would treat their children in order to best help them.

It is important to realize that our states of mind are very dependent on our own relationship with our self. If we are able to cultivate a relationship that is based on self care, using the parent/child model, then we can learn to have a more balanced outlook on life. Like anything else, developing a harmonious inner relationship takes time and discipline, but the rewards for doing so can be a greater peace of mind.

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August 20/10 – Computers – Have They Affected Mental Health?

Perhaps the biggest change in society in recent years has been the computer and electronic revolution. This has created many changes, both positive and negative. Certainly we are able to deal with information with a speed and efficiency never before seen. This has provided many benefits to the world, both economic and otherwise. Yet, at the same time there are disturbing effects of this revolution that are now just beginning to be noticed and studied by social scientists.

In my 20 years as a Toronto therapist I have seen how this new technology affects the mental health of my clients. I am pleased to see  that the huge amount of information available about depression, stress, addiction, children of alcoholics and other problems, is a great help to my clients. Knowledge is power, and this helps people to take more responsibility in their healing process. In addition, the web can link people with similar problems in venues such as forums, which can, as well as knowledge plus to lessen their sense of isolation. Overall an intelligent and responsible use of this tool can further the lives of the people I work with. On the other hand there is a definite downside to this picture.

This downside comes in many forms. The first of these is addiction. It is quite clear to me that the web has caused a great increase in certain types of addiction, such as sex, gambling, shopping and gaming. The great availability of sites that encourage these addictions is an obvious reason for this increase. The speed of the internet is another, less obvious problem, because our minds are not capable of fully processing the information that comes before us. For example, when I talk to a person who is addicted to porn I realize that the images that flash before him or her (most often him) enter the emotional centres of the brain, and for the most part, bypass the cerebral centres. This produces a kind of hypnotized, stimulated state of being, where there is a hunger for more stimuli. A person has no real time to sit back and thoughtfully consider what is happening to them.

Another negative consequence can be the isolation that can result from being overly involved in a virtual world. We are social beings who need people, real people, not just electronic messages coming from other people. I see that many of the people I treat for depression and self esteem problems can live in a kind of pretend electronic world where real people are avoided. When we avoid real people we also avoid the ways and means of having mature relationships  and learning to resolve the problems that come with such relationships. I also believe that co-dependency can be increased in a virtual world, since co-dependents can have access to a pseudo world where they can become involved with many more people and their problems.

In conclusion, I am saying that computers are powerful tools. They can help people in many ways. They can also hurt people in many ways. As we do with alcohol, we need to be mindful of the responsible use of computers. Furthermore, this problem needs to be clearly recognized by society and discussed at all age levels. I remember certain science fiction I read years ago, where people sit alone in a room with a screen in front of them and watch wars happen while an announcer tells them what to think about this situation. I hope we have not reached this place.

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August 3/10 – Intimacy – A Good Test of Mental Health

In my Toronto therapy practice I often hear people say that they are quite mentally healthy except when they are with their partner. However, they fail to see that, in truth, they are not so healthy. For it is fairly easy for most of us to cover up our vulnerabilities with many friends and acquaintances, but an intimate relationship will affect us on the deepest levels.

I see this quite clearly when I do couples counselling. There people will frequently say that they never act the way they do with others, just their partner. I then explain what happens during intimacy. When we are emotionally intimate with another person the child inside us, with all his or her varied feelings, comes out. And what does come out are the parts of us we normally are able to repress. As a result we are faced with something within us that we do not understand or can deal with.

Many people try to deal with these deep wounds through addiction. It is interesting to note that quite a number of addicts have told me that ‘what they love most in the world’ is their addiction. It becomes a safe intimacy where they can hide their wounds rather than reveal them. Of course the price they pay for this is the loss of genuine intimacy.

As humans we require intimacy. From the moment we are born we seek nurturing closeness from other people. Unfortunately, too many people fail to receive an adequate amount of this healthy intimacy. This happens when parents are themselves not emotionally equipped, due to their own childhoods. A case in point is children of alcoholics. I find that such people have a great deal of trouble in intimate relationships. They often report that closeness to another person brings up problems like depression, lack of self esteem and anxiety for them. They will often try to compensate for their intimacy deficits by being codependent - a kind of pseudo intimacy where they place all the focus on the other person in order to take it away from themselves. In the long run, this does not work for them since they end up getting nothing for themselves.

Among those people who find intimacy difficult are those who suffered from childhood abuse. The pain of this is frequently triggered during intimate contact. It is unavoidable no matter how well meaning our partners are because of the depth and power of the childhood wounds. For this reason these people will often avoid intimacy.

Nonetheless, research has shown that a close, nurturing relationship can be a great boost to our overall health and well being. However, we need to be able to sustain such a relationship. This is where we need to deal with the state of our mental health. By doing this we can gain the benefits of intimacy.

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July 26/10 – We Are All Unique

I have been working in the field of mental health for over 25 years. As a Toronto therapist, I have worked with many people on their problems. And I can say without any hesitation that I have found that no two people are exactly alike.

I write this because many people who come to me say that I must have experienced ‘their type’ before. That they are commonplace. Of course I have treated similar problems such as depression, stress, anxiety and addiction, but the person behind the problem is always different. Unfortunately most people do not appreciate their uniqueness or see the value of their own particular beings. They would rather ‘fit in’ and be like others, especially in this age of mass media, where many of us strive to change ourselves to conform to an image that we feel we must look like. It is no wonder that this attitude is related to many of the problems that they suffer from.

I often see such an attitude in children of alcoholics who don’t have a clear sense of self. They frequently attempt to conform to an image that will make them more popular. Such individuals, because they do not value their own selves, will often try to live the lives of others in a chameleon type of codependent behaviour.

Many of the people who come to me not only want to alter who they are, but have a genuine hatred for who they are. This self hatred is always a big factor among people suffering from depression and addiction who display a low self esteem. They frequently want to obliterate their uniqueness since they do not see the value of their essence.

There are also people who do not see their uniqueness because it was crushed as a child. I see this in people who suffered from childhood abuse. Such treatment can be soul destroying and can cause a person to be quite disconnected from their true self. Therapy for these individuals involves helping them to see who they are and appreciating themselves.

When we look at this problem we can see that, in many ways, we are taught to not appreciate our unique selves. We are taught to be like others and alter who we are in order to fit in. However, it is important to understand that, in order to have peace of mind and success in our lives, we need to work at appreciating who we truly are and act in accord with our true beings.   

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July 10/10 – Why Talk Therapy is Helpful

There are many forms of help for people in emotional distress. Many of them speak of ‘new methods’ that are effective in the treatment of psychological problems. They can vary from medications to spiritual interventions. There is often much made of how effective the methods are due to the assertion that they are based on a ‘new found discovery’ that can greatly help those suffering from emotional illness. Quite a few of these methods appear every year, often in the form of medication or medical treatments.

When I examine these treatments I find that clients are  often put in a passive role. In other words it is up to an outside source – medicine or person – to cure a person or, in other cases, it may be up to the person, but it is based on a rigid method, often simplistic, that the person can employ. What seems to be lacking in most of these methods is something that has helped people for thousands of years – a deep, heartfelt communication between people.

In my Toronto therapy practice, I tell prospective clients   that much of what I do involves talk therapy. For people who are looking for the latest methods, I explain that talking about your life can be a very powerful experience. Especially if what you say about your deepest thoughts and feelings is attended to by another person who is empathic, caring and understanding. We are social beings who need to connect to other beings.

There are many people who come to me who have been unable to speak to others about their problems. People who suffer from depression often fall into this category. They are people who have been exiled into silence because their pain has been ignored or ridiculed in some way by those closest to them. Being able to speak honestly about their lives and their pain, when they are listened to in a caring and non judgemental manner, can be very healing for such people. They need to be reconnected to others and emerge from their solitude. People who experience addiction are often in a similar place. They are alone with their pain and need to talk about it to another person.

People often criticize talk therapy because, ‘It is only talk and just keeps you in your head.” I say to them that talk and the connection that it gives can be very healing. In addition, talk does not have to be solely from the head. The most effective talk that occurs in therapy is holistic, where the head and the heart are joined. It is honest and clear, certainly the type of talk that children of alcoholics did not experience in their family of origin. Learning that such communication can safely exist between people can open many inner doors for people from this background.

Many of my clients have been reduced to silence through shame. Their sense of self esteem has been shattered as  children and they feel little or no trust for others. I see this quite dramatically in people who suffered childhood sexual, physical or emotional abuse. For them, the opportunity to finally release the words, thoughts and feelings that have been hidden within them, can be life giving.

Speaking to another human being is very low tech. It does not have the allure of science or the drama of the ‘latest findings’. However, the basic truth of human connection through face to face speech, and the freedom that it can bring to an imprisoned heart, can never be surpassed.

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June 30/10 – We Are All Emotionally Vulnerable

In my work as a Toronto therapist I see many people with a variety of emotional problems. What most of these people have in common is their shame. They are ashamed that they have had to come to me in order to get help. They are also ashamed that they are too ‘emotionally weak’ and ‘screwed up’, as they put it. Indeed, this opinion is echoed by people who do not believe in therapy. However, what they fail to see is that we all suffer from emotional and psychological problems, since we can find life too demanding from time to time.

For instance, those who suffer from depression, are criticized for being, among other things, ‘weak’, ‘self–centred’, ‘lazy’ and ‘attention seekers.’ Yet, all of us can feel depressed during our lives. Usually we have to hide it for fear of being criticized. The same is true for people who suffer from addictions. They are said to be ‘weak’ and lacking ‘self control’. However, the number of people suffering from some form of addiction, whether it be the internet, shopping or workaholism is very high. A similar reception is given to people who are experiencing stress and anxiety. Even people who have suffered from childhood abuse are criticized when they speak of the pain related to this. They are usually told to ‘get over it’ as it was ‘in the past’.

When I speak to people who make these accusations, they may admit that they have these problems; however, they will add that they keep their problems to themselves and are able to deal with these problems by themselves. Yet I believe that, in many cases, they really have not dealt with the problems. They often just ignore them. Take the case of a woman I saw who was a child of alcoholic parents. She had many problems including lack of self-esteem, anxiety and co-dependency. In fact she came to see me, not because of her problems, but because of trying to fix everybody in her life, including her husband. I talked to her about her co-dependent tendencies and she refused to acknowledge she had a problem. She just kept talking about other people who had problems.

This is what happens when we will not own up to our own problems. Repression does not work. Our problems will emerge in one way or another and often harm others. In this case the woman meddled in other people’s lives and often did damage. In other words we do not just ‘get over’ our problems, we have to face them or we do damage in one way or another.

I would like people to realize that vulnerability is part of the human condition. It is not good or bad, it just is. We need to redefine emotional strength to mean those who have the courage to face their wounds and do something about it.

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June 15/10 – The Importance Of The Early Years of Life

The first years of our lives, from about 1 to 5 are extremely important in our development as human beings. This was always know to a certain degree, and present scientific research is corroborating this fact.

During the first years our brain is the most plastic it will ever be, and the influences that come to bear on us will determine the course of our lives. In this period brain cells and neural connections are being formed at an astonishing rate and the possibilities for growth and, unfortunately, damage are tremendously high.

Because of this, the environment we are born into is crucial to the formation of the skills that we will have for the rest of our lives. This includes our intelligence, emotional and psychological maturity, physical abilities and our general outlook on life. In other words, our initial environment becomes a lottery of sorts. Some people will win and some people will lose; the healthier the environment the more that a person has in order to deal with their lives and vice versa.

In my Toronto therapy practice I deal with the early environments of people and how these environments damaged and helped them. Over the years I have learned the power of these early years. I have learned that I can’t take away the damage, but I can help a person manage and minimize this damage, and that can make a big difference. For example, a person with problems of depression and addiction reported to me that he came from a home where there was alcoholism and violence. As a child of alcoholic parents his early years were very difficult. He was unable to develop his capabilities and later developed more severe problems as an adult. However, despite this he was able to modify his behaviour so that he could manage his depression and addiction.

Therefore, even though our early years are crucial in terms of brain formation, we have the ability to make changes that can alter how we think, feel and behave. Indeed recent studies have shown that the brain has a degree of plasticity all throughout life that can result in positive adaptation. In other words we can positively alter our outlook on life so that we can overcome the problems that the first years have produced.  

In another instance I worked with a woman who had many problems that resulted from a difficult childhood. She had low self-esteem, anxiety and co-dependency issues. When we looked at her childhood we saw that she suffered from childhood sexual abuse as well as having to deal with an alcoholic parent. There was very little chance for her to develop many coping skills because of these early years. Nevertheless, when I began to work with her I could see that she had a great deal of motivation to change. She also had certain qualities of intelligence, courage and perseverance which I knew would be of help. In time, she was able to manage her feelings better and could deal with her problems in a way that made life more positive. Her qualities of hard work paved the way for this change.

I want to emphasize that change does take hard work, because, though our brain plasticity is present it is not what it was as a child. It is the same thing as learning a language, which is effortless in the early years and difficult later on.

Ideally we should live in a world where the environment is optimal in the early years; where children could get the best parenting, emotional guidance and education possible. Certainly we all need to work toward this goal. However, given the present situation we need to do the best we can to make ourselves as healthy as we can in order to be the best we can with those around us and those in our care.  

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May 28/10 – Genuine Self-Esteem

In my work as a Toronto therapist I encounter people with a wide range of problems. What most of these people have in common, no matter what their difficulty, is a lack of genuine self-esteem. You will note the word ‘genuine’, because this is a key feature that comes up in therapy.

For example, I see many people who are suffering from problems with addiction. Many of them are high achieving. They are looked up to by those around them for their accomplishments. Yet when I talk to them I realize that they do not have a genuine sense of feeling good about themselves. They realize that they have achieved high goals and are admired, but this does not really make them feel good about themselves. Because of this, they can never achieve enough. They are always feeling a lack, and therefore the stress of this keeps pushing at them and causing them a constant anxiety.

This pattern repeats itself with people who are dealing with depression. In many cases they have achieved life goals that would seem sufficient to help them feel a good sense of self-esteem, but they too do not feel good about themselves at their core. Their depression is directly related to this absence. As with addicts, they may hide their wound from others and appear happy, but inside they are suffering. Deep inside them they need a better sense of self which they cannot seem to find in life. For them and many others, they do not know what it is that will give them an authentic self-esteem. So the question becomes, what is genuine self-esteem and how do we find it?

I believe we are all born feeling good about who we are. It is a natural feeling. However, as the years go by and we encounter people and situations in the world, this sense of well being is often lessened to one degree or another. Because much of it happens gradually, or it happens at a very early age, we lack the awareness of our condition. Therefore, in the process of healing, it is important to understand how and why our self esteem was damaged.

For instance, in the case of Adult Children of Alcoholics, it can be helpful to understand how the relationship with the addict affected our self-esteem. In this way we can see how our co-dependent behaviour was formed, which saw our well being compromised in the home environment. This realization can begin the process of changing self-esteem. However, we need to further this by becoming aware of what genuine self-esteem can be.

I refer back to the original state in which we are born. In that state we do not have concepts that limit our enjoyment of who we are. We do not compare ourselves to anyone else, we do not feel that we are bad, we do not judge or criticize ourselves; we just exist in a simple yet deep way. We are connected to our bodily sensations, the wonder of the outside world and a deep feeling of well being. While it is true that many of these pure feelings are compromised later on, it doesn’t mean that they do not exist within us. We still have the same potential of pure enjoyment. That does not leave us. Healing is about returning to this original state.

Of course we cannot fully return, due to our history and the development of mind that limits our ability to be fully connected to our life force. However, that does not mean that we can’t get back a good portion of this elemental feeling. The more we can understand what messages get in the way, the more we can work at realizing how we have strayed off basic life, the more we can find ways to be in touch with the love and connection that we are born with. We can then slowly begin to feel and appreciate the simplicity of our needs. In this way we can begin to connect to genuine self-esteem.

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May 9/10 – The Importance of Relationships

In my Toronto therapy practice I see people who are experiencing a variety of problems. These problems can be quite varied yet they all generally have something in common: they are all associated with how these people have related to other people.

Studies have shown that the most important factor in the formation of mental health is our early relationship with our caregivers. We use this initial experience as a model for our future affiliation with other people, for better or worse. In addition, this early model exercises such a powerful influence because it is formed at such an early age, specifically preverbal. Because of this, people find it very hard to change how they relate to others, and this is where much of the work of therapy happens.

For example, many people I see who feel depressed often feel this way because they are so weighed down with feelings that they are unable to express. When I look at the origins of these feelings I see that the person learned at an early age that they could not safely feel certain things within their family. As a result the person always feels like they are in a kind of straitjacket with their feelings. I find many people suffer from addictions also suffer from an inability to express emotions, also related to their early upbringing. In both depression and addiction this inability, is continued in present day relationships.

I also see stress and anxiety similarly entwined with early relationships. With both conditions, I often learn that people so afflicted had others around them who were anxious, intense and exhibiting emotions such as fear, distrust or anger. For these reasons my clients continually feel pressured and frightened within and without.

Many of my clients also experienced early relationships that were characterized emotional, physical or sexual abuse. In addition to the severe effects of such relationships, which can include the previous conditions I have mentioned, these people constantly suffer from a lack of self esteem that affects them very deeply. They also often form relationships where they either are abused or abuse others.

Many of the people who see me are children of alcoholics who are affected by their early relationships. They often experience addiction themselves or become involved with addicts. Their relationships with addicts often mirror the caretaking relationships that they had with their parents. In this way they become very codependent and over involved in a harmful manner with the people they are close to.

It is very important to be aware of our early relationships and how they have shaped both our inner and outer lives. Thus the work of therapy is often concerned with these questions and tries to help a person come to new ways of conducting relationships that are healthy.

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April 10/10 – Happiness –What Is It?

In my Toronto therapy practice, people come to me with questions. A common question is - “How can I find happiness in my life?” We all use the word ‘happy’ in so many ways. However, many of us really don’t know what we mean when we say this word.

Certainly, for a person suffering with depression, happiness will mean the ending of the constant pain that they feel. For a person with addiction issues it will mean stopping their particular addiction. However, with both these conditions there is some goal that, for them, will signify a better state of mind that will produce happiness. Yet often when I talk to people in these states I see that what they may be looking for to make them feel better is unclear. Why is this the case?

I think that there is a lack of clarity because many of the goals that society sets for us involve our egos and the attainment of fame and fortune. If we don’t attain such goals we feel a sense of failure. If we do attain them we often find ourselves still looking to feel better. This is because the goals were ego driven and did not go towards our deepest natures.

For example, in children of alcoholics, I often see a drive towards money and fame. They are still hoping that what they do will make their alcoholic parent happy. Similarly in codependent people there is a striving to attain happiness through giving to others in order to win their approval. In both cases the search ends in failure because it ignored what the people themselves needed in order to be happy. When I tell this to people they will often answer that they just don’t know how to look inside themselves, and when they do, they mostly don’t see or feel much of anything, merely an absence. It is my belief that this ‘absence’ comes from many sources that are connected to our life histories.

When I look at babies, I rarely see an absence. There is usually a strong sense of self, a continual flow of feelings, a keen interest in the world and a desire and ability to connect to others. Fast forward to the adult self and we can see that this powerful sense of self with a strong life force has declined in many people to a shocking degree. Without going into the reasons for this too much, I find that the absence of mental health in most families is the main instrument in the  decline in the sense of self. We come into the world fully alive and we meet our caretakers who may drain our lives away with their own absence (which in turn was caused by their own parents’ absence, and on down the line).

So what I am saying is that, when we are separated from the natural life force of our beings, we come to be in an unhappy condition. In place of our vitality we feel stress, anxiety, depression, anger, and fear which cover up an abiding sense of emptiness. When we are in these states we act in public and private ways that are destructive since we have turned against life itself. It is things like childhood abuse, violence against women, wars, destruction of our own habitat and the many small and large cruelties that pass between people that result from this turning away from life. How do we end this and come back to our true life energies where happiness and contentment reside?

We need to confront the truth of what has happened to us in our life. Those who I see in therapy have often reached this point of honesty. Usually this has come through a crisis. They cannot fool themselves any longer. Their lives are unravelling or have unravelled.  Honesty also demands that they look at all the circumstances that have led them to this place, their childhood, their decisions, the people they have chosen to be with, their wrong paths etc. It can be quite sobering to face this; however, it is liberating to look at our lives in such a direct and truthful manner. Yet the search is much more than a negative one, it ultimately involves a positive outlook. We begin to look at who we actually are underneath the wounds. This includes our strengths, our goodness, our positive choices and our life. It is about learning to make new decisions that enhance our lives. This is the route to happiness. It is not things to shore up our egos, it is coming back to the truth of our essence as humans, which in turn will lead us in the direction of living within ourselves vitally and with contentment.

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March 27/10 – Consciousness, The Goal of Therapy

Consciousness can be defined simply as awareness, though it is larger than that. When I think of consciousness, I think of seeing something as it truly is. For example, many people with anger management problems are not conscious that they are angry. They often see themselves as victims who are just trying to defend themselves. They are stuck within an incorrect perception of their reality. I say ‘stuck within’ because this perception or false consciousness was true at one time in their lives. They likely were victims of people who hurt them when they were younger, and their anger is a false consciousness that has become frozen in time.

Consciousness is often impeded by our histories and how we were treated as children, especially in our families of origin. As a Toronto therapist, I see this in people who are suffering from depression and a lack of self esteem. In many cases they were told as children that they were inadequate and had faults, so that is how they see themselves. They are not conscious of their strengths and goodness. They deny
their true natures.

The denial of consciousness can also be a defence against pain. For example, people with addiction issues repress  childhood pain through the addictive substance or action. In my Toronto therapy practice I have seen many alcoholics (though not all) who have suffered childhood abuse. For them, the awareness of the abuse is a threat that they must constantly repress. However, the problem with repression is that it prevents us from truly moving on and healing from our pain. Consciousness heals wounds. Therefore, the work of therapy is to promote consciousness.

Helping a person to become conscious of who they are is hard work, because consciousness, while a healer, can also feel like a threat of pain. I see this with children of alcoholics who often live a life of stress and anxiety within a framework of codependent behaviour. They can spend much of their lives defending against the pain of a childhood where a parent exhibited addictive and destructive behaviour. Such behaviour could be hurtful and result in childhood abuse. It is often very difficult for people raised in this environment to allow themselves to be aware of such a degree of pain. Often these clients will exhibit a great deal of denial.

How do I help people gain a greater consciousness of their lives?  There are a number of ways to go about this, and it is generally a gradual process. With many people it begins with a crisis that shatters the false consciousness: a marriage has ended, an addiction becomes severe, a criminal charge is laid, a loved one dies, etc. In other cases it can be a lesser change that promotes a realization or a desire to find a different way in life. It is these types of opening up in  people that allow them to begin to see things differently. When they begin to talk with me about their lives, this new perspective allows them to start re-evaluating their lives.

Many years before the idea of therapy began, people around the world in various spiritual practices were trying to expand consciousness. We were always aware that we only knew so much about ourselves and our world, and that there was something constantly there beyond the known. As people who want to grow in life,  this is our work.

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March 8/10 – Emotional Abandonment –How it Harms Children

In my Toronto therapy practice, I meet people who are suffering from a variety of emotional and psychological problems. What many of them have in common is a core feeling of insecurity. When we examine the roots of this feeling we often discover that it comes from their childhood.

Many clients do not understand what emotional abandonment is. They tell me that their parents were caring and loving because they fed, clothed them and took good care of them. When I inquire further about their childhood, I ask questions that tell me about their emotional and psychological environment. I ask, “Were you able to talk to your parents when you had a problem or were in pain, and how was their reaction?” What often comes out was that my clients felt emotionally abandoned as children because their parents, for one reason or another, were not emotionally available.

This is often the case with children of alcoholics (COA). Their parents were frequently good physical providers, but not able to respond to their children’s emotional needs. I recall one such man, an addict himself, with issues of severe stress and anxiety, who always felt ‘unheard’ by others. When we looked at his childhood we saw that this feeling came from his parents who never ‘listened or understood him’.

I encounter similar circumstances in many of my clients who suffer from depression. They often speak of feeling ‘isolated’ and ‘disliking themselves’. It often turns out that their feelings of being isolated came from parents who were not attuned to their feelings. Their feelings of being unlikeable came for parents who judged their feelings. Environments such as these will often produce a lack of self-esteem within the children who experience them.

Children who feel emotionally abandoned often become caretakers of their parents in order to make some connection with them. I even see this happen with people who have suffered childhood abuse from parents. The children who employ this strategy will often exhibit codependent behaviour later in their life with the people around them. Because they learned that who they are doesn’t matter, they will try to matter by taking care of others and being praised for it.

I find that such people have difficulty understanding that they were emotionally abandoned as children. Often parents appeared to be emotionally present while not being so. For example, parents with narcissistic tendencies talk to their children, but the conversation often revolves around the parent and not the child. Or a parent who suffers from depression is often unable to fully engage with the child.

It is important to recognize whether or not we have suffered from emotional abandonment during our childhood. It can help us to understand why we have certain problems associated with this experience. Not only that, it can help us to see that, in many cases, we may be repeating this behaviour with the people we are close to. Certainly learning to understand our emotions and learning how to better connect with others can be an important part of emerging from the affects of emotional abandonment.

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Feb. 22/10 – The Power of Making Amends

There is a great emphasis on forgiveness when people are talking of healing. However, much less emphasis is given to making amends for hurtful behaviour. I think that this has something to do with people seeing themselves as just victims rather than the wider perspective of being both a victim and victimizer.

As a Toronto therapist I see that taking responsibility for one’s actions is very liberating. It gives a person a greater sense of their own power and fullness of personality. It also gives them the opportunity to change their relationships with themselves and others.

For example, a client who was a child of alcoholic parents, was always focused on the damage his parents did to him. He worked hard on this aspect of his life, but it was harder for him to see that he had hurt his own children. I think that, like him, it is easier to see ourselves as victims and not aggressors. We are often ashamed of our hurtful parts. Nevertheless, when he was able to admit this and make amends to his children, it gave him a chance to repair the relationship with his children and feel better about himself.

Similarly, people suffering from depression often just see themselves as victims. I worked with one person who was suffering from an addiction to alcohol and was also very depressed. She felt very weak as she only saw herself in one perspective, that is, as a person who had been hurt by others. However when she gradually learned that she had also hurt others, she was able to make amends and take responsibility for herself. In addition to helping her and those she hurt, she also began to see that she was not a powerless person, and this helped her. She also helped those people she had hurt.

Certainly, I need to emphasize that saying we are sorry to others in a genuine manner can help them a great deal. When people are hurt they often feel that they are bad. This is especially true for children who take responsibility when they are hurt. When we take responsibility for hurting children and others, we are telling them that another person can own their behaviour and re-establish their connection with them. It is an act of true responsibility.

As I have said, it can be very difficult for people to take responsibility for hurting others and making amends. This can often be the case for someone who suffered from childhood abuse. Such people can feel such shame at repeating abusive behaviour that they can be in great denial of it. And so, many people with anger management problems do not see themselves as victimizers who need to make amends; instead they see themselves as victims.

In the spirit of such denial, people will often disguise their aggression with passive aggressive behaviour. I see this done by people who are exhibiting codependent behaviour. They are often angry people who hurt others with their controlling and judgemental behaviour. Nevertheless, they continually hide the hurtful aspect of this behaviour under the guise of ‘helping’ others.

Therefore, for people who hurt other people, the first step in making amends is becoming aware of their behaviour and taking responsibility for it. We need to realize that, as human beings, we have all been hurt and we all hurt others. It is the natural order of things. When we can see this and make amends for our behaviour then we can start to go in a different direction.

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Feb. 8/10 – Shame – A Powerful Negative Emotion

When I think of shame, I think of acid. Like acid, shame eats away. In this case, it eats away at the identity of a person. In my Toronto therapy practice I have seen the power of this emotion and how it deeply scars people.

People often confuse shame and guilt. Guilt is associated with doing something wrong. I hurt a person and I feel guilty about it. Whereas shame refers to a globalised feeling of being bad, unfit, unworthy, etc.  Guilt says I did something wrong and shame says I am wrong.

Shame is transmitted in families as well as society. Families who deal with addictions are often shame based. When I work with children of alcoholics I hear a repeated story of how the family put all its energy into hiding the shameful secret. Shame goes hand in hand with secrecy. Within the secrecy of such homes shame grows and each family member becomes a victim to its negative consequences.

What are the consequences of shame? Since shame makes a person feel fundamentally bad, a major consequence is that the person must do whatever they can to hide from or run away from this feeling. People have many ways of running away from feeling defective. The ways that they run away often bring them into therapy. Certainly, addiction is one of the most common ways to run away. Codependent behaviour is another way they flee as they wish to submerge their personality in the personalities of others. Anger is often a defense used to hide shame, so that anger management in therapy will frequently need to look at the shame beneath the anger. In addition, depression, anxiety and stress are associated with shame.

Children naturally take on shame. I see that children blame themselves for what happens around them and, as a result, take on shame. For example, children who grow up in dysfunctional families where the relationship between the parents is negative will often feel that it is somehow their fault. This is not helped by the fact that they are often blamed or victimized in these situations. Victimization will result in shame. Childhood abuse, whether it be physical, emotional or sexual, gives a child the message that this was done to them because they are bad. From then on their sense of being is defined by shame and they will be deprived of feelings of self esteem.

How can we deal with feelings of shame? Because shame has the effect of isolating a person, healing from shame requires breaking out of this isolated place. Relationships can be an important part of this process. Certainly, loving intimate connections help to heal this wound. However, shame can be very deep and make it hard for a person to reach out to others. Here, therapy can be helpful because a positive therapeutic relationship entails safety, which is needed for a person to talk of the most humiliating episodes in their life.

As well as connecting with others, a person dealing with shame often needs to learn self care. I often find that people with this type of wound are very hurtful to themselves. Such a person needs to start learning kind self talk and treatment. Part of this self care involves learning to have positive relationships, since shame based people often form hurtful codependent ones with no boundaries. All of these healing practices are intended to foster a clear and positive self identity.

Healing from shame is not a simple procedure. It requires a thorough and honest self inventory in order to face the shame. At the same time we need to take responsibility for our lives in a compassionate manner that promotes the opposite of shame - pride.  

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January 27/10 – We Are All Going To Die – What Mortality Can Teach Us

All of us have certain basic things in common. We are all born and we all die. Before birth and after death we are faced with a great unknown. In my Toronto therapy practice I have come to realize the great importance of death to the people who come to me for help.

They come with a variety of problems: depression, addiction, stress, anxiety, co-dependency and other difficulties that have made their lives hard to live. For many of these people I see the fact that they will die plays an important part in what is going on with them. For instance, for many people suffering from addiction, I sense a need for meaning. Many of these people have said to me that they have trouble seeing why they are here in this world where their lives are relatively brief. Others, such as those with stress and anxiety are pursued by a sense of fear which I feel is connected to their knowledge of death.

However, I feel that for many of these people the knowledge of death takes two forms, both of which are not healthy. One is an intellectual knowledge of death and the other is a kind of unconscious knowledge of death. The result of both of these is a virtual denial of death. It is known somewhere but not felt or lived. I feel that if this knowledge were closer to people it could take the form of greater emotional health.

For example, I can think of a man who came to me with great problems related to childhood sexual abuse. His life was very painful. Nevertheless, after a few sessions he left me saying, “I just can’t do this now. I need to wait on it.” Yet he was not young. He was in his mid forties and had waited for years and done nothing. I can’t help but think that if he had truly felt how brief life was, he could have been motivated to act as soon as possible. The same holds true for  people I see who pursue money or fame. They often give little time to their families, the people who they love and who love them. I have heard many older people mourn the loss of these important relationships that they ignored in favour of a career.

Indeed, if people could be more aware of death they could more easily sort out the true values of life. I think of one man, a child of an alcoholic father, who himself drank and treated his family with anger and disdain. However, when he spoke to me I could see that he had trouble seeing that his behaviour was like his father’s. Nevertheless, soon after his mother died, he began treating his family with much greater kindness and sensitivity. When I asked him about this he said, “When she died something inside me woke up. I realized that I was in denial and that we have very little time on this earth. This caused me to face myself and really take responsibility for my behaviour.”

In summing up, I would repeat that death is a frightening topic. But if we run from it, it will only cause us trouble. We need to face our mortality in a positive and life-affirming way in order to fully live.  

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January 12/10 – ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ –Important Lessons for Anger Management

Recently I saw the movie, ‘Where the Wild Things Are’. It was about a young angry boy, Max, who, feeling misunderstood at  home, runs away. He ends up on an island with large monsters who befriend him. He eventually becomes king of the island.

The monsters teach him about himself and human relationships. One monster in particular, Carol, is frequently in a rage. Max sees his own anger in Carol and begins to understand anger. Max realizes that anger is composed of many feelings: hurt, dislocation from others, confusion, fear and a loss of control.

Like Max, we need to look beneath our anger in order to see what it is trying to tell us. For example, a man came to see me about his anger towards his family. He tried to cope through various addictions, but was still angry most of the time. I helped him see that underneath his anger was depression, anxiety and stress that he felt unable to deal with. These feelings had originated in childhood when, as a child of alcoholic parents, he suffered abuse. When I was able to help him deal with these underlying feelings, he was then able to manage his anger.

As a Toronto therapist I see many people who feel consumed by anger. One woman I saw was alienating those close to her because of her frequent angry outbursts. When we looked at what was underneath, we saw that before every angry episode she would be feeling great stress and particular feelings of low self esteem. I showed her that her anger was about flight or fight; therefore when she felt these overwhelming feelings she would lash out at others. She had suffered from childhood abuse. The trauma of this history and her inability to have positive relationships added up to an intolerable situation she was unable to cope with. As she began to understand the full scope of her feelings and gain more coping behaviours, she was able to better manage her feelings.

Like Max, in ‘Where the Wild Things Are,’ we are sometimes faced with angry feelings that we have difficulty managing. It is important then to understand that anger management is about understanding the depth of our feelings. When we see the roots of our anger and understand the various feelings underneath, we then have a better opportunity to deal with this anger.

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