December 25/09 – A Christmas Carol – Wise Lessons for Mental Health

I just saw ‘A Christmas Carol’ - my favourite version, with Alastair Sim. This story of Ebenezer Scrooge, a bitter wealthy man who comes to his senses after a series of dreams, is a message for us all.

Scrooge is a man who has turned against life. Like many of us who lose our way, he narrows his life to an addiction - in this case, to money. Underneath this addiction lies a shattered and depressed soul who sees no purpose in life. Certainly this mirrors many of my clients who seek similar escapes from their depression and grief.

The spirits who meet Scrooge lead him on a healing journey. The first ghost confronts him with his past. In my Toronto therapy practice, I feel it is necessary for people to face their pasts, for it is here that the roots of much unhappiness lies. For Scrooge it began with the death of his mother while  giving birth to him, and the rejection of his father who blamed him for her death.  After this, the spirit shows Ebenezer how further losses wounded him and finally led him to reject life.

The second ghost shows him what his life is in the present. I work with many people who are unable to fully see what their life has become. Denial is very powerful. They are unable to see their stress and anxiety, unable to see how angry and hurtful they are to themselves and others, unable to see their sadness and depression. They may be alcoholics who delude themselves that they are not being ruled by their habit. They may be co-dependents who convince themselves that their relationships are healthy. Or they may have suffered from childhood abuse and feel that this no longer affects them.

The final spirit, the spirit of things to come, reminds me of an old saying by the Chinese philosopher Lao-Tzu who said, “If you do not change your direction, you may end up where you are heading.” Many of the people who I work with did not heed such advice. They made decisions in their work, relationships and habits that set them on a course of behaviour that was very harmful to them.

For example, a client of mine who was a child of an alcoholic father, was determined never to be like his father. Nevertheless, as a result of his childhood he had very little self esteem and, as many children of alcoholics often do, he engaged in a life of great perfectionism and deprivation that deeply affected him and his family. He admitted that early on he was aware that this behaviour was very stressful and caused him great anxiety, yet he persisted and hoped it would somehow end well. It didn’t and he found himself in my office with a broken home much like his father.

In fact, many of the people who come to me have some resemblance to Scrooge. They are good people who have lost their way in life. In truth, most of us get lost, to one degree or another, in life. Like Scrooge, it is important that we recognize what has happened to us. We then need to take the steps to change our lives. Life is short and we can’t just wait around for things to be different. It is up to each one of us to take responsibility for our life and make that difference happen.

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December 10/09 – The Void – The Hole Within Us

Over the years, working as a Toronto therapist, I have realized that most of my clients have one thing in common; they feel that there is an emptiness within themselves. This realization has led me to believe that the very ground of psychological healing is spiritual. That is, people are looking to find meaning in life.

There are many reasons why people feel this lack of meaning. Certainly the people I work with come from environments where the wounds they received caused them to feel that they could find very little in life that had any positive meaning. As one depressed client said to me, “I just feel that there are only bad things out there.” Coming from a home that featured alcoholism and neglect, it was no wonder that he felt this depression and emptiness within himself.

People suffering from addiction also talk of this hole or void that they feel within them. It is only the addictive substance or behaviour that gives them a brief escape from that empty place. Their environment also set the stage for their addiction since many of them were children of alcoholics who faced a childhood that lacked positive meaning. People dealing with problems of co-dependency also come from a similar background. They attempt to fill the emptiness through immersing themselves in the lives of others. However, they usually find this unsatisfying and suffer from stress because losing ourselves in others can never truly fill this empty place.

The sense of a void often comes to people who have felt that they have lost their identity during childhood. I see this with clients who have suffered childhood abuse. As one fellow said, “I felt that their (his parents) hurting me took away who I was.” From then on he felt empty and his anxiety and depression led him towards sexual addiction. Like this man, children who have been abused often feel that it is their fault and, as a result, they reject and disconnect from their self.

When I work with people who feel a loss of self, I tell them that what happened to them was not the loss of self but an inability to see the self. In other words, their parents were unable to see who they were; therefore, as a result, they are unable to feel a sense of self. In this case therapy involves helping the person to begin to connect to themselves. When we begin to consciously feel the person inside, in a variety of ways, such as feeling our emotions, writing, meditating, etc., we can start to reexperience the person we felt we lost.

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November 27/09 – Emotional and Psychological Flexibility

The word ‘flexibility’ is most often applied in the physical sense. However, in my work as a Toronto therapist, I have come to realize that it is as useful mentally as it is physically. People come to me with many problems such as depression, stress, anxiety and addiction. Even though these are different, they are often characterized by inflexible attitudes.

Take for instance a client suffering from addiction to alcohol. He usually drinks when he is feeling stress while dealing with problems he confronts in his life. In addition, many of these problems come from his codependent relationships, where he tries to please everyone. When we talked, he mentioned that he would never try to face any of his difficulties, he would merely drink. I pointed out to him that he could solve problems for others, and therefore he did have problem solving skills. However, he did not use these skills for himself. I then said that I felt that his behaviour was rigid since he just did one thing when presented with stress. Even though he had access to other behaviours.

In the same way other clients exhibit rigid emotional responses. The case of a woman who suffered from depression that was closely connected to a lack of self esteem demonstrates this. As a child of alcoholic parents she became quite insecure and self critical. When we looked at her depression we saw that she would automatically follow the same line of thought and behaviour. Our work together consisted of helping her develop a more flexible approach to how she dealt with her feelings. When she was able to have a greater access to different thoughts and behaviour she began to be less burdened by her depression.

I must add that being more flexible in response to emotions and thoughts is not an easy process. Often these responses have been with us for a long time and are defences that once served to protect us in situations where we had little or no control. However, now, in order to gain independence from them we need to develop a greater range of options. How do we go about this process?

Let us say that we are someone who is burdened with stress  related to anxiety. In order to develop a different approach to this problem we must start by examining our automatic responses to problems. We might see that we always have a set pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviours. From this point we can brainstorm, either by ourselves or with others we trust, about other possible ways of dealing with the difficulties we face. Just by introducing other possibilities we have started the process of moving toward greater flexibility and more options. Next we might start to practice a few of these options and begin to monitor how these new responses affect our stress. In this way we have begun  altering our patterns in a flexible manner and getting feedback on this change.

 Keep in mind the saying that “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”  Therefore, in order to begin to change the patterns we have practiced for years, we need to bring a set of ideas and actions that can flexibly and appropriately respond to the challenges we face in life.

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November 7/09 – Stopping the Cycle of Family Dysfunction

In my Toronto therapy practice I hear the stories of my clients. These stories talk of the psychological wounds they carry such as stress, depression, anxiety and addiction.

As my clients talk it is not hard to understand where they received their wounds – they were passed down in the family environment.  For example, a client’s father was an alcoholic and as a child of an alcoholic she lacks self esteem, is codependent and has negative relationships. In turn, she passes down her dysfunctions to her two children.

I hear such stories constantly. From them I realize that, for the most part, it is not genes that determine the emotional wounds that we carry, it is rather the people who raised us. Yet, that answer is not simple, for when we look back at the generations of our family before us we begin to see that the harmful environment was passed down the line until it reached us.

Hopefully we can understand an important fact – that our emotional state is something that does not have to stay the same. It is not like certain physical traits that we cannot change. Knowing this we can make a decision. We can decide that we can put an end to the family neurosis. Certainly it is not an easy task because we are faced with the weight and pain of a number of generations that have been passed down to us.

One person recently talked to me of how he suffered childhood abuse from both parents who were alcoholics. He found that he was also emotionally abusing his wife and children and had wrestled with a variety of addictions that resulted from his great stress. When he enquired from relatives about his family he was able to trace at least five generations of alcoholism and abusive behaviour. He was sick at heart over the way he treated the people he loved most in the world and wanted to end this family cycle. He did not do this immediately, but slowly he learned that he could manage his anger and transform his hurtful behaviour into more constructive forms.  

Finally, it is important to realize that our emotional and mental health states are not fixed. They are largely handed down to us through generations in our family. However, we can do something about this. We can work to transform our problems so that we don’t continue the cycle of negative mental health.

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Oct. 29/09 – We Need to Slow Down

I recently heard a radio commentator describe our society as an ‘ADD’ (Attention Deficit Disorder) society, which is directly related to the speed of life today.  Most certainly, in my Toronto therapy practice I see this with the people who come to see me. Many of these people lack a sense of self awareness that could help them deal with their problems and this has a definite relationship to the too fast pace that they are living.

How does this rapid pace of life negatively affect mental health? It does this in a number of ways. Chief among these is the way a fast pace disconnects us from the here and now. We compromise our ability to think straight and make good decisions about our lives. I often see this with people who are suffering from stress as they rush around from one thing to another. They often make poor decisions and then have to constantly clean up their messes. This type of stress relates directly to anxiety and depression.

This hurried lifestyle also relates to a lack of self reflection. Self reflection is essential because it gives us a wider picture of our lives, allowing us to step back and evaluate our choices and our actions. We can better plan our lives and give them a more sound structure of meaning with self reflection. Without this ability we can find ourselves just living day-to-day without relating to a larger sense of who we are. In other words, we can become lost. I often find this sense of being lost in people who are suffering from addictions and depression. Codependents and children of alcoholics also have this trait since they hurry about trying to fix other people’s problems without looking at their own lives.

With this accelerated pace we, not only lose our connection to ourselves, but also to other people. Without secure connections to others we can become isolated, prone to depression and frequently feel a lack of self esteem. Moreover, the connections we do have can be seriously harmed. As a Toronto therapist I see this with the couples I counsel. Both people report rushing around all the time and not having enough time to connect with one another in a healthy manner.

A fast pace of living is also used as a type of medication in order to help people avoid their feelings. I have seen this with many clients, such as those who have suffered childhood abuse. The problem with this solution is that it prevents people from connecting to themselves and their feelings. However, the way to heal from abuse is to be connected to the self in this manner. 

There are a number of ways to slow down. It takes practice, though. People will often argue that they don’t have the time to slow down. However, when I question them further they will admit that they ‘waste’ a lot of time on the computer and watching television. Some of the ways that people use to slow down are meditation, yoga or tai chi, journal writing, being out in nature etc. Find a way that fits you and practice the discipline of doing it regularly.

Remember that slowing down is not simply a slower pace, it is something much more than this. It is giving yourself a way to connect to your own life and life around you in a more grounded and direct manner. It can give you the opportunity to really digest your own experience and truly enjoy it and learn from it.

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Oct. 13/09 –Love is Not Enough Unless it is Healthy

In my Toronto therapy practice, people come to me with issues that involve emotional wounds. When I talk to them they are often confused as to why they would be in such pain.

They frequently assert that there should be no reason why they would be feeling this way. They will often say, “I can’t understand it, my family loved me and the other children.” Because of this, it is very difficult for them to understand why they would be feeling depressed, anxious or suffering from addiction. They end up blaming themselves saying that they were born, “screwed up,” “oversensitive,” “a mess,” “a loser,” etc..

When I look at their childhoods with them and hear their stories, I soon realize that there was a toxic atmosphere in their household. I have heard children of alcoholics say that it “really didn’t matter” as they could “feel that their parents loved them.” However, when I listen to more stories I don’t hear much, if any, displays of love. Mostly what I hear are stories of being hurt by their parents.

Despite this, I believe them. I feel that their parents did love them. Nevertheless, I don’t believe that this love was displayed in a healthy way. This is usually due to the fact that their parents were suffering from their own problems that caused them great stress and anxiety which prevented them from showing love in a positive manner. This can cause people great confusion as they feel some love coming from their family, yet, at the same time, they are being hurt by them.

I have also heard stories from clients who suffered from childhood abuse. They still professed that their family loved them. In these cases, I don’t feel that there was love on the side of their parents. I believe that it was my clients who loved their parents and needed to believe that their parents loved them. I have often seen this in people who have suffered various forms of childhood abuse, pain or abandonment. In order to psychologically survive they must make themselves believe that their family loved them.

A very similar situation occurs when I am dealing with clients’ marriage problems. Frequently a person will say to me that their mate loves them and yet they tell me that the same person hurts them frequently. They, too, are very confused, especially as their partner will often say that they love them. In addition to confusion, this makes the person deeply doubt their senses and lead to a lessening of self esteem.

In all the above cases I say that love is not enough, unless it is healthy. To be healthy love has to be more than words or ideas, it has to be based on positive actions. To be growth enhancing, love needs to consist of acts that demonstrate qualities such as kindness, understanding, patience, respect and understanding. In addition, these actions do not have to be large or spectacular as presented by many movies; they can be the small, consistent and caring acts that will give a person a secure sense that they are loved. More than anything else we need as human beings, in order to make the world a better place, is a healthy loving kindness.

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Sept. 28/09   The Power of Hope and Imagination

In my Toronto therapy practice I encounter people who are suffering from problems that they feel unable to deal with. In many of these cases they have had these problems for years. When I talk to them about what they are dealing with--whether it be depression, addiction, co-dependency, stress or childhood sexual abuse--I discover that they all are unable to see any way out of their predicament. Indeed it is very hard to see an alternative to a way of life that has been with us for so many years.

In my work as a Toronto therapist I try to help them develop the tools to emerge from their particular difficulty. In this pursuit I find that it is important for them to be able to find ways to look beyond the place where they are. It is like developing a new way of seeing. For this purpose I point them to hope and imagination. Both hope and imagination can be very powerful resources that can help us to look into new places that can lead us out of the place we are stuck in.

Take, for example, a woman who came to me with a severe lack of self esteem. She had a very difficult past. Her father was an alcoholic who was violent with his family. As a child of an alcoholic who had been abused, she developed a great inferiority complex. When we discussed her life she admitted that she ‘couldn’t imagine’ feeling good about herself. As a result she felt helpless about her life.

However, she was a talented artist who could imagine many wonderful paintings. When we discussed this she said that she could always feel a sense of hope about coming up with these images. I asked her to try to apply this same hope and imagination to her own life. At first she felt it was impossible. However, she was able to use her artistic skills to begin the process of imagining feeling different about herself. Over time she was able to gradually see that she could see herself differently.

Another example concerned a man who was an alcoholic. He had grown up in an environment of great stress, with depressed parents who instilled in him a hopelessness and anxiety about life. In their way, his parents taught him the power of negative imagination, as he always expected the worst to happen. As a result of his addiction and depression his own marriage had failed and he could see no possibilities about life other than bad ones.

Nevertheless, like all of us, he did have powers of imagination, as he was a talented person in his field of law. Slowly but surely, we worked together to help him envisage other possibilities in his life. Over time he was able to imagine more positive outcomes and from these he could see that he could have better things in his life.

We are all born with the power to imagine. It is what we imagine that helps determine in what direction we will go, be it positive or negative. If we can learn to use our imagination to develop new ways of seeing that can give hope to our lives, then we can emerge from the old stuck places that we have felt were impossible to get out of.

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Sept. 10/09 – Personal Growth Requires Discipline

Many people want to change their lives. They may be suffering from depression, addiction, lack of self esteem or anxiety issues. As a result they make the decision to work towards making the kind of changes that will make their lives better.

As a Toronto therapist, I meet people with such problems every day. Unfortunately, a good number of them want instant change. They seek cures that are like miracles-often simple-and ones that involve other people performing these miracles. Of course, there are many individuals out there who will respond to this need and offer up simple, quick cures.

Personal growth, however, does not operate in this manner. It requires work, taking responsibility and discipline. With such an approach a person can gradually make the changes they require. What do I mean when I say ‘discipline’.

For example, a man who came to see me wanted to feel a sense of self-esteem.  As a child of alcoholic parents he grew up with a great feeling of inadequacy. He felt very inadequate with others, put them first and, as a result, formed codependent relationships. In our first meeting he informed me that he wanted me to ‘fix him’ in a matter of a few sessions. I told him that what he was suffering from was something that had been with him all his life, and, as a result, it was not something that could be changed all at once. He was quite disappointed to hear this, but was still very motivated to change. We, therefore, undertook an approach that involved a deep self searching and a series of strategies and approaches that he was able to do in a steady, disciplined manner. His discipline consisted of hard work that was persistent, creative, honest and multifaceted. In this manner he was able to begin to make positive changes in his life.

Another person who came to me in my Toronto therapy practice was hampered in her personal life by a number of incidents of childhood sexual abuse. As a result she suffered from alcoholism and great anxiety. In addition she was not able to form close relationships. However, despite her past, she had achieved a great deal in her profession which was a highly technical, difficult and demanding one.

She told me about her efforts to make changes to her life. She recounted that she had gone to a few groups a few years ago, attended some lectures, at times prayed and read some books on sexual abuse, ‘a while back’. I then asked her how she achieved her professional success. She gave me a long list of educational degrees, additional training, constant updating her base of knowledge, a great amount of experience and a great determination to be as good as she could be in her field. I then asked her to compare how she had approached her personal healing to how she approached her profession. She realized that the difference was immense.

In other words, we can’t approach our life like it is some idle hobby or pastime. We need to approach it as we do our work. We need to bring the same serious discipline into the changes we want to make in our lives. We require a discipline that consists of hard, steady work, a comprehensive way of doing this that is well thought out, creative, strategic and absolutely motivated. Certainly, as in our job training, we need teachers and mentors, but in the end it is up to us to take full responsibility for the course and direction of our personal growth.

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August 26/09 – Simplistic Healing Does Not Work

There are many different approaches to healing. As a Toronto therapist I have encountered many people who have tried a number of approaches. I have also read, studied and listened to many ways that people try to help themselves overcome emotional problems. One fact that emerges is that, what is presented as healing is, for the most part, simplistic and not helpful. Not only does much of this advice not help people, it ends up harming them.

Take for example a woman who came to me with problems of addiction and depression. Her friends, family and even  therapists gave her simplistic solutions to her problems. They said things like, “You just have to feel better about yourself,” “Take long walks and smile while you’re doing it,” or “Just think of other people who have it a lot worse than you do.”  When she talked of her low self-esteem, a therapist told her that she should, “Look in the mirror every day and say, at least ten times, I love you.”

Unfortunately, this type of superficial advice is rampant in society, and in this woman’s case, along with many others, it made her feel worse. It made her feel worse because she tried these things and they didn’t work. This proved again to her that she was a failure. The reason that this type of advice doesn’t help people is that it fails to address the depth of the problem. I have often heard people who suffered childhood abuse tell me that they were frequently told (even by professionals) that, “They should just forget the past since they are no longer children.” Any study of childhood abuse will tell you that such experiences are deeply ingrained within their victims and people cannot simply ‘forget’ them.

People are often confused by simplistic healing because it can have truth contained in it. A few years ago many people were excited by a book that came out which said that they could change their lives by sending out a positive message to the world rather than a negative one. A client who was a child of an alcoholic and had problems with co-dependency reported that he had faithfully read this book and tried to ‘change his message’ with little success. I explained to him that what the book said was essentially true, however, this type of change can take years and is not just something most people can do quickly. Such a simplistic premise is based on a type of rational approach that ignores the depth of human experience.

Certainly rational therapy based on a cognitive behavioural approach can be helpful, but it doesn’t deal with a person’s early history. Research demonstrates that our basic formation takes place before we have words. Therefore an approach that just depends on thought and behaviour does not directly deal with the underlying emotions that dictate people’s thought and actions.

We live in a push button age of instant response. Nevertheless, we cannot do this with human beings. We are far too complex and intricate a creation to change with  quick and simplistic ease. Change is possible, but it must happen in a manner that goes to depth of the human soul.

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August 10/09 – Denying Your Pain – Useful and Harmful

When we are children we are often faced with situations in which we are unable to cope. This is quite natural since we do not have the physical or emotional resources to independently and effectively deal with our problems. Many of these problems can occur within our family of origin where parents can lack the emotional maturity to deal with children in a healthy manner. The problems that can result from this can range from mild to severe, as parents can have various forms of stress, anxiety, depression, addiction and anger issues that affect children.

In my work as a Toronto therapist I am faced with people who are coming to me with issues that originate from their family environment. Of course they want to have relief from these issues, yet they find that they cannot easily make the changes that they desire. I say to them that the reason for this is that had to deny their pain as children, and that this defence mechanism is natural and necessary. However, the same mechanism that protected them in the past is now hindering them from making the changes they require in the present.

Take for example a woman who grew up in a family where there was alcoholism and sexual abuse. As a child of alcoholics she was required to adapt in ways that made her think and act against her best interests. In order to do this she had to deny the pain of her adaptation and the ways in which the family circumstances harmed her. Furthermore, she was also forced to deny the pain of her childhood sexual abuse. Children are not psychologically equipped to deal with a great deal of emotional distress, so that she and all other children must deny or repress their pain in order to psychologically survive.
 
When we follow this example further towards my therapy with this woman, we can see that her problems of depression, addiction, and lack of self esteem originate from the pain from her childhood. However, when she tries to access this pain, she is unable to do this, since the defence of denial is still in place. The defence prevents her from remembering, feeling, understanding and dealing with her emotional problems. The same circumstance occurs to a greater or lesser degree with everyone. The defence that has saved us also hinders us from changing.

Nevertheless, I don’t want to present a pessimistic picture. Even though denial is difficult to break through, it is quite possible to do so. It is possible because we are psychologically both an adult and child. In other words, the part that is trapped in the past is a child part, but the part that can deal with the pain is an adult part. Therefore, what I do in therapy is help people use their adult in order to understand their pain and find strategies to overcome the denial of the child part. For this reason change is possible.

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July 26/09 – Healthy Selfishness

As a Toronto therapist, I work with many people who say that they feel ‘guilty’ when they fail to meet other people’s needs. They feel that they are being ‘selfish’, especially when they take care of themselves rather than taking care of others ‘first’. They feel quite confused about this matter and are unable to figure out how to deal with this dilemma.

Quite a few such people come from homes where the emotional demands of parents were excessive and unrealistic. Parents were often suffering from problems of addiction and, as Children of Alcoholics, my clients were taught to sacrifice their own needs in favour of their parents. As a result, they learned to form relationships in which they were codependent with their partners.

I try to teach clients to think of this problem in different terms. Instead of the word selfishness I try to get them to think of terms like ‘self care’ or ‘self regard’. I also tell them that they can’t truly give to others unless they are able to give to themselves. I see people who sacrifice themselves as often having problems of anger management because they are filled with resentment.

I also explain to them that lack of self care can be a basic component of many emotional problems. I see this with people who are depressed, stressed, lack self esteem and suffer from addictions. These people frequently behave in a self destructive manner that prevents them from having a fulfilling life. Yet, when I talk to them, they will often say that thinking of themselves or taking care of themselves is being self obsessed and selfish.

I talk to these people about looking at the problem in a balanced manner. I tell them that true selfishness is about imbalance where a person has little regard for others and just cares about themselves. Similarly, I show them that by just thinking of others and not themselves, that they are also imbalanced. A balance for all of us is about having a healthy self regard while not ignoring the reasonable needs of others. With this in mind, it is important that we look at our relationships. We need to ask ourselves simple questions like: Is there a balance of give and take in the relationship? Do we feel that we can be ourselves in the relationship? Does that relationship make us feel good or bad?

In conclusion, no one person or one situation has a right to make us hurt ourselves emotionally or physically. Reasonable give and take, mediated by kindness and respect, should always take precedence in our lives. We can dispense with the judgmental word selfish and begin to think in terms of self regard.

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July 10/09 – Part of Us Wants to Change and Another Part Doesn’t

In my experience as a Toronto therapist I have observed that people can go through great struggles when they want to make a change in their lives. They may be dealing with depression, addiction, stress, anger management or other life problems. When they come into my office they often declare that they ‘want to change’ and ‘are ready to do whatever it takes’ to make this change. However, what often happens is that they find it very difficult to change, even when they feel so determined. At times a number of people will be unable to make any change.

It is often said, from many quarters, that such people are ‘weak willed’ and ‘don’t really want to change’. This is a misconception, as the truth of the matter often lies in between. In other words, people both want to change and don’t want to change. How can this be?

On the one hand, it is easy to see why a person with great stress, an addiction, depression or anxiety would want to make a change in order to make their life happier and more fulfilling. On the other hand, they don’t want to for a number of reasons. First of all, to put it simply I use the old adage, “The devil you know is better than the one you don’t know.” When I consider this adage in psychological terms I see change as being threatening to a person’s identity. Therefore, if I make a change to my personality, it can threaten the sense of who I am.

For example, take someone who is a child of an alcoholic. Perhaps their identity is based on being codependent and taking care of others. What if they altered this behaviour, started looking after themselves and stopped enabling others? Many such people have said to me, “This is all I’ve ever been in my life; I can’t imagine who I’ll be if I don’t do this.” Furthermore, it isn’t just the individual who is disturbed by being different, it is those around him or her who counted on this person to be like they always were. This can be especially disturbing in families where members often depend on one another to have a certain role. Thus, when one person changes it can threaten the stability of the other members of the family.

Another reason that people fear change is often because their problem in life was the thing that helped to defend them from core painful feelings. Thus, if a drug addict stops their addiction, they can be faced with feelings of shame, inadequacy, low self-esteem, a sense of being unloved and many other such feelings that they couldn’t bear to experience. Given that it is very hard to change because of our mixed feelings about change, how do we proceed?

I believe the best way to proceed is to acknowledge both sides of us, the one that wants to change and the one that doesn’t. Many people try to ignore or push aside the part that doesn’t want to change, but this doesn’t work. In fact, the more a person tries to repress a feeling, the stronger it often gets. We need to thoroughly understand our own process in order to find a way to deal with it. When we do this we can mediate between our two sides and find, so to speak, a third direction that can lead us out of the confusion of the conflict inside us.

Remember, it is quite natural to want to change and to not want to change at the same time. It is not a character defect, as it is often painted. The thing we must do is to fully understand both sides in order to move beyond the stuck place we may be in.

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June 28/09 – Twelve Step Groups

Twelve Step Groups first appeared in the mid 1930’s in response to alcohol addiction. They proved very successful and have grown remarkably since that time. They now deal with a number of addictions, such as drug addiction, sex addiction, food addiction etc. In addition to direct addiction, twelve step groups deal with issues directly or indirectly connected to addiction, such as codependency (CODA) or chidren of alcoholics (CA).

Twelve Step groups are self help groups. They function by and through the input of their members. They are people with problems helping other people with problems. The twelve step format varies according to the organization (the steps may be different in quantity and type), but they are all geared to providing a way for each person to work through a series of steps that will guide them towards a healing path.

As a Toronto therapist, I find that such groups can be an effective resource for the people I work with. They help people in a number of ways. First, the steps address key issues related to addiction, such as letting go of ego control, embracing spirituality, taking responsibility, consciousness and sustaining a disciplined approach to healing. In the course of these steps, an individual faces the key struggles in his or her life, such as depression, anger, stress, anxiety, self-esteem, relationship issues and childhood abuse.

Moreover, as I mentioned, these groups take a cooperative approach, where members help members in terms of mentoring, group support, regular meetings and a strong social network where people help and learn from each other. My clients often mention that they have learned so much from listening to the struggles of other group members as it enables them to see themselves in a different light.

In conclusion, if whatever you may be suffering from has a twelve step format, it may be a good idea to consider such a group as a healing resource. Group support and a proven structured format can often be a way to move forward in your healing process.

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June 11/09 - Inner Peace--The Ultimate Goal

In my work as a Toronto therapist people come to me with a wide variety of problems and suffering. They could be experiencing such difficulties as depression, stress, addiction, anxiety or grief. They could also be wounded from childhood abuse or be a child of an alcoholic (ACA). One thing all these people have in common is that they lack inner peace. Their inner world is a very disturbed and agitated place that makes their life feel very insecure and frightening.

My clients may talk of dealing with their anger, depression, or stress, yet, at the same time, what they are essentially saying is that they would like to live in a different way. They would like to live without so much fear, anxiety, anger, judgement, hate, hurt and all the other feelings that afflict them from within.

However, while desiring peace, many people may feel that peace is somehow a passive, inactive state that denotes a lack of vitality. I have frequently heard this from addicts who feel that their lives would be dead and uneventful without the excitement of their addiction. Nevertheless, my vision of  true peace is one that is very much alive. This state of living is a place of balance where emotional, physical and spiritual needs are met in a moderate and full manner. It is also an active state where disciplined and wise actions predominate.

Furthermore, when you begin to experience greater peace, great change can happen in your life. You start to connect to what is more real in life - friends, love, nature, and from this you gain a greater appreciation and satisfaction in your life. Therefore, whatever your problem is, remember, that your ultimate goal is a life of inner peace.

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May 27/09 – Good Rules Made Bad--
Why We Need to Question What We Have Learned

As we go through life we hear people talk of rules to live by. This is especially true when we are growing up and our family teaches how to live by their rules. In my work as a Toronto therapist I hear my clients repeat these rules  regarding how they have acted or responded to a situation in their life. What often strikes me is how these rules have become a destructive force in their lives. It is not that they are bad rules; indeed many of them are time honoured wisdom that have been handed down throughout the ages. The problem arises when the rules are mindlessly followed.

For instance, I had a woman come to me who obeyed the family rule, predicated on a religious principle that we should give to others. This is a very sound principle, however, she took it too far. She gave fully to every person who wanted anything from her. As a result she was taken advantage of to a very severe degree. What followed for her was depression and a level of stress that was so high she was unable to work or function. I helped her to understand that this rule was a good one when it was followed with moderation and wisdom, but became destructive when it was not.

A variety of this rule involves children of alcoholics and codependents. It says that we should concern ourselves with the welfare of others. An excellent rule, yet it is frequently taken to extremes with quite bad results. When we overly concern ourselves with others we move from  concern to interfering. We not only try to run others lives, but we neglect our own. Again, thought and moderation is needed to carefully monitor rules that we live by.

The rule of ‘Do your best’ is another rule that, when improperly followed, can lead to destructive consequences. I see this in the behaviour of many people who come to me with problems of addiction. Many addicts are extreme perfectionists and whatever they do is never good enough. They set impossible standards and are constantly plagued because they cannot attain them. Much of their pain comes from feeling inadequate.

There is another rule that dominates our society today. It is a type of paradoxical rule, one that is constantly denied yet strictly followed. It says that we need money and possessions to make us happy. When I see the people who come to me suffering from stress, anxiety, depression, marriage problems and addiction, this rule often plays a big part in their unhappiness. Their lives have narrowed down to acquisition. However, they will constantly talk about ‘the important things of life’ such as friends, family, love and peace. Yet, at the same time, paradoxically, they will ignore this wisdom. Somehow they are unable to hear themselves at a deep level.

This brings me to a final rule that has a great influence today. It is an unwritten rule and, unlike the preceding ones, it is not a good rule in any way. It is what the philosopher Alan Watts called ‘The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are’. This rule states that looking inside yourself will make you too self involved and lead to bad consequences. Clients have stated these ideas to me constantly over the years. However, they eventually realize that not looking inside themselves has been a major source of their problems. They have also realized that self awareness has helped them to deal with their problems.

To sum it all up, I would repeat that all of us need to look at the rules that govern our lives. We then need to ask ourselves whether we are being sensible in relationship to these rules. They may be good rules, but have we taken them too far, and are they now hurting rather than helping us? 

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