Table of Contents

November 19/08 - Telling Your Story

October 27/08 - Your Most Intimate Relationship is With Yourself

October 10/08 - Addiction is Difficult to Avoid in Our Addictive Society

September 26/08 - We Don't 'Just Get Over It'

September 9/08 - How Mental Health Relates to the Health of Society

Aug. 15, 2008 – Judgement – How it Harms Mental Health

Aug 1, 2008 – Shame – A Major Cause of Psychological Distress

July 23, 2008 – Black or White Thinking

June 25, 2008 – Intentionality – Helping You When You Feel Stuck

June 7/08 - Perspectives on Anger Management : Victims Can Become Perpetrators

May 14/08 – My Work as a Toronto Therapist--Mental Health in a Big City

April 27/08 – Managing Our Problems – Not Getting Rid of Them

Feb. 11, 08 - Healthy Solitude Versus Unhealthy Isolation

Feb. 4/08 – Emotional Abuse – The Hidden Abuse

Jan. 14/08 – I Shouldn’t Be Having Problems – I Come From a Loving Family

Jan. 7/08 – The Social Causes of Mental Illnes

November 19/08 – Telling Your Story

Each one of our lives is a story. There are many parts to this story including the things that we experience, the people and places we encounter and the meaning of our story.

This last point is especially important to our mental health because it is a major factor in determining how we feel about our self and the world around us. The meaning of our story can strongly influence what we do in life and how well we get along in the course of our life. Many people do not realize that they are constantly writing and rewriting their story.

In my work as a Toronto therapist I help people understand their story. I want them to see how their past has affected their present and to realize how the people in their lives have contributed to their story. I want them to not only understand their story but to see how this story has come to impact their lives. This can be a very strong impact because we believe the stories we tell about who we are, yet, I observe that these stories are often inaccurate and can do harm.

For instance, people who experience depression often interpret their story to mean that they are unworthy. In working with these people I try to help them expand their story and see that there are things about who they are that can prove that they are worthy people. Similarly, people with addictions tell themselves a story that paints themselves negatively. They also need to modify their story in order to see their good qualities. I also note that people who suffer from anxiety tell a story that distorts their fears and makes life more frightening.

Even with those people who have suffered from childhood abuse, there is an inability to fully understand their story. These people often suffer from a lack of self esteem which comes from their belief that they were somehow to blame for their abuse. This story needs to be amended for them to realize that they were not at fault. In a similar manner, children of alcoholics believe that they somehow were blame for their parent’s addiction.

Thus, the process of therapy often consists of looking at a person’s story of their life. In this process the client and I attempt to discover the real meaning of their life, so that they will be able to see who they are in a manner that gives them an accurate picture of their self. Together we try to rewrite their story in order to give it a meaning that makes their life worthwhile.

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October 27/08 – Your Most Intimate Relationship is With

Yourself

Think of it this way. The person you are in the closest contact with, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, is your own self. No one will ever know more about you, your deepest darkest thoughts and feelings, your longings, your unvarnished real self. There will be no one person who will touch you more. From the moment you take your first breath, until the time you draw your last, you will be there with you.

We don’t often think in this manner, that we have a great closeness to ourselves. We think we simply are who we are, period. Yet, as a Toronto therapist I see that clients are constantly relating to themselves in the most personal manner. They encourage themselves, judge themselves, anger themselves, laugh at themselves, wish things for themselves, etc. The relationship goes on so automatically that they take it for granted.

I also see that the great majority of the people who come to me are hard on themselves. This affects their life in a negative manner. For example, I find that people who experience depression will frequently judge, belittle and even hate themselves. People with anxiety issues will often scare themselves. Those with anger management problems are often angry at themselves before they take it out on others. In addition, I find that people who are victims of childhood abuse often abuse themselves in a variety of ways.

Other clients show different ways of relating to themselves. For instance, those with addiction problems are often very critical of themselves and feel that whatever they do is never good enough. The same features are found in people suffering from co-dependency problems and children of alcoholics. As a result, many of these people find that living with themselves feels very painful and exhausting. In desperation they will try a number of strategies in order to deal with this situation.

Trying to escape from themselves is a common strategy that is used by many people. They do this through addictions,  work, material possessions, travel etc. However, these ways rarely work in the long run. As the saying goes, “No matter what you do and where you go, you’re always there.” The solution – repair the relationship with yourself. The question is how?

The place to start is by becoming aware of how you treat yourself. Observe how you may fail to be kind to yourself, how you hurt yourself, how you undermine yourself. Do an inventory of these factors in your life. The next place to look  is at your self dialogue. Many people talk to themselves or give messages to themselves in other ways. I often hear people call themselves names that are hurtful and demeaning. I ask them if they would treat other people like they do themselves and they immediately reply, “Are you kidding, nobody would take that crap.”

The next stage is to become aware of other parts of yourself, kind parts, nurturing parts, the parts that you reserve for others. Can you begin to use these parts to interact with yourself? Can you start taking care of yourself in a positive manner? I realize such changes do not happen overnight, however, awareness and the motivation to start this process can be a first step. With a lifelong devotion to positively changing this most intimate relationship, you can bring about great change in your life.

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October 10/08 – Addiction is Difficult to Avoid in our Addictive Society

According to recent studies in health journals, the rate of addiction is clearly rising.  Indeed, in my experience as a Toronto therapist, I have noted a sharp increase in these figures. There are a number of reasons for this – however, in my opinion, the main reason is that we live in an addictive society.

It is my belief that addiction is inherent in our society because we live in a time where people feel a sense of being lost within. There are few substantial values, a lack of real spiritual direction and little sense of a meaning for our existence. Without these necessary anchors in our lives we are left with a sense of emptiness and pain. As a result of this, problems such as depression, anxiety, stress and marriage breakdown come about. In addition, we mistreat one another in many ways such as through domestic violence and childhood abuse. It is no wonder that addiction flourishes in order to medicate the pain in such a toxic atmosphere.

Furthermore, as a society, we don’t just create the environment for addictions, we promote them. We do this through our economic system, which is geared, by means of constant advertising, to make us feel constantly inadequate and unsatisfied. In this way, as in every addictive process, there is always a need for more.

The problem is not merely the quantity of material possessions we acquire, it is their quality. Much of these are what many people refer to as ‘useless stuff’, things we don’t need, have no deep value and leave us more unsatisfied.

To make matters worse, the structures of society that could give us a real sense of meaning and self definition have also  been seriously eroded. Today, because the family, community and religion have been infested with the same sense of loss and emptiness, many people are unable turn to them to provide real direction.

In order to combat this in our own lives, we as individuals need to actively work to promote our own humanity. We need to honestly confront our own lives in order to see our part in this addictive process. Then we need to do something about it, something that promotes our genuine life force and leads to a life with others that has real meaning.

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September 26/08 – We Don’t ‘Just Get Over It’

In my years as a Toronto therapist I have heard clients repeat the phrase “Get over it”, time and time again. Clients are told this and other similar phrases by friends and family in regards to emotional problems such as depression, addictions, childhood abuse and grief.

These dismissive phrases often refer to past events such as an abusive parent from childhood or the death of a loved one. “Get over it” specifically says that these things are gone and done and that we “should let go” and “stop holding on.” The judgement underlying these messages asserts that people are deliberately holding onto their problems “feeling sorry for themselves” and not “moving on.”

The truth, however, is that we can’t just let go of our problems, because painful events are physiologically and neurologically recorded within us – the more painful the events, the more deeply they are recorded by our nervous systems. Therefore, not only do people feel damaged by  painful events, they are further victimized by the criticism of people around them, the people who they most depend on for support.

For example, people often suffer from depression and low self-esteem as a result of hurtful events that have happened in their lives. However, they are viewed as purposely holding onto these events and making themselves feel depressed. It is no wonder that most depressed people hide the fact from others for fear of the censure of those around them.

In a similar fashion, people who have suffered from childhood physical, emotional or sexual abuse are victimized once again. They consider themselves weak and self pitying for still feeling wounded after all those years.

My clients who suffer from addictions also face the same type of condemnation from others. Because much addiction is embedded in childhood wounds, it is very difficult to “just stop” an addiction.

The same holds true for anger management, stress, self-esteem and many of the problems I encounter with my clients. These problems are looked on as character defects, rather than seen as real.

In conclusion, it is my hope that people who read this will gain some respect for the damage and depth of hurts that  themselves or others have suffered. We do not just get over these damaging life events. Nonetheless, if we can face our pain in a genuine manner and find positive ways to manage this pain, it is quite possible to gain a healthy control over these problems.

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September 9/08 – How Mental Illness Relates to the Health of Society

Since 1990 there has been a great increase in mental illness with regards to many conditions such as stress, depression, anxiety and addictions. In response to this, most health resources have been targeted at individuals. As individuals we are given information on how to better deal with the various emotional conditions that may beset us. But mostly we are given pills to ‘fix’ us. However, we are social beings, and very few resources are being targeted towards the society we live in.

In my work as a Toronto therapist I see that many of the people who come to me are casualties of an increasingly sick society. For example, we hear all about ‘stress management’ and yet I see that it is not possible for many people today to deal with the amount of stress around them. The pace of life is too fast, employment is very unstable, and the strain on families and the insatiable need for ‘more’ is too much for people to cope with.

I also see this when I am doing marriage counselling. Most of the couples I see are simply overwhelmed by their lives. As a result, they have very little time and energy to put into their marriage and family. The increasing breakdown of marriages has a domino affect. As the children in these families are harmed, they in turn have problems throughout their lives.

The breakdown of community is also a great strain on individuals. Today there is an increasing tendency for people to become more and more separate with less time to come together in larger groups. Studies have shown that rates of depression are higher in places where there is less of  community interaction. Indeed studies have shown that our rates of depression have increased sharply in the past 15 years.

Furthermore when people are isolated and under great stress they turn to harmful behaviours such as addiction. In my experience as a therapist, I have seen a great spike in the amount of people coming to me with problems of addiction. The rise of the internet is also a key factor in the increase of addiction since shopping, gambling and pornography are much more easily accessible.

All of the above factors point to stresses and strains put upon us as individuals from our society. When we react to these pressures we are not necessarily ‘mentally ill’, as these reactions can be quite natural. Rather than resorting to medication, a better approach could be finding healthy adaptive behaviour, such as joining social groups, becoming more connected to nature or any other activity that counters the strain of our present day society. In addition, it is important to be aware of the affects of society on its citizens, and to try to put more resources towards this end of the spectrum.

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Aug. 15, 2008 – Judgement – How it Harms Mental Health

Two key factors in mental health are the problem itself and how others react to the problem.

Studies have shown that our emotional and psychological problems are greatly affected by the social reception they are given by those around us. Unfortunately, what emerges in these studies is the fact that people are most often judged  negatively for having emotional problems. The result of this judgement is an increased stress level for those who are judged.

My experience as a Toronto therapist bears this fact out. Time and time again I see that my clients have been deeply wounded by the rejection of people around them when they are suffering from any psychological difficulties. Whether the message is given in a ‘helpful’ manner or a cruel manner, it is often the same message – they are weak for having such a problem.

Here are some examples from people I have worked with.  Those who suffer from depression experience a strong rejection from those around them. Everyone has advice for them, tries to fix them, tells them such things as,
“Smile more,” “Everyone has problems,” “Just exercise,” “Start thinking of others,” etc. The result of this advice is that people feel judged and more depressed as a result. I often hear this said about a suicide victim, “We didn’t know they were depressed.” The reason was that the person realized that they could not talk about their depression with others.

Similarly, people who suffer from anxiety are told “Not to worry so much,” and “Don’t make a mountain our of a mole hill.” This only makes the anxious person feel more self critical.

I hear such stories from people who have suffered from childhood abuse. When they tell others about how they are still wounded, they are met with severe judgement – “It’s time to move on,” “Get over it,” “That was so long ago,” “You’re an adult now,” “Others have worse.” I can’t say strongly enough how such statements damage people.

The same thing happens with people who have problems with addiction. They hear things such as, “Practice self control,” “That’s not the way to deal with your problems,” “You’re being weak.” Since addicts are judgemental towards themselves these statements serve to only increase these judgments.

You might expect that judgement does not occur in obvious cases like bereavement. Unfortunately, this is not so. I often hear stories from people who are criticized by those around them for “Not letting go” of their sadness at a close relative’s death. I even heard a story of a couple who lost a young child and were criticized by friends for not being able to let go after 3 months!

We are all brought up in an atmosphere that is critical to personal problems. We are supposed to “take care of our own problems” and “be strong”. Children of alcoholics and codependents report that they grew up in households that had great judgement.

In the Hans Christian Andersen tale, “The Emperor’s New Clothes” everyone has to outwardly pretend that the emperor is wearing clothes when he is, in fact, naked. This is the state of our mental health today. We have to pretend that everything is all right –“ I’m just great,” “Couldn’t be better,” - even though our lives are difficult and problems are all around us.

I am not advocating that people go about complaining or dumping their problems on others, since these are not really  helpful ways of communicating pain. What I am saying is that we have to realize that we all suffer from emotional and psychological problems and that this is normal. If we can learn not to judge others and ourselves for having these normal problems then we will be making things better and not worse.

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Aug 1, 2008 – Shame – A Major Cause of Psychological Distress

Over the years I have come to appreciate how powerful the feeling of shame is in regard to the people who come to me with different forms of emotional and psychological pain.

In terms of definition, shame is different than guilt. Guilt is the feeling we get when we do something wrong or bad. Whereas shame is the feeling that we ourselves are wrong or bad. In this way shame is a major wound to the sense of self. For this reason it becomes a key determinant of many people’s psychic pain.

In my work I encounter a variety of addictions. In all my years as a Toronto therapist I can’t think of a single addict who didn’t have great feelings of shame. The addiction was not only used to medicate or hide the shame, it also produced considerable shame.

I also find that people with anger management problems use their anger to defend against feelings of shame. Similarly, when I work with people suffering from depression I find that many of them have great feelings of shame. Clearly it is linked to their lack of self-esteem.

Shame creates problems for a person because it causes them to disown their own identity. In this way they are severed from their true self. I find this particularly in children of alcoholics and codependents, who remain hidden to themselves and others. This causes great harm to relationships. When I am doing marriage or couples counselling I witness the negative affects of shame.

I often see individuals who suffer from, what is termed, “A Shame Based Identity”. This means that they can only see themselves in terms of their shame. I find that people who experienced childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse are highly shame based.

Shame can be initially difficult to work with as people tend to hide it or deny it since it is so painful. I need to be gentle and gradual with such people as it can be overwhelming to confront shame too quickly.

Often a good way to become aware of your own shame is to read about it. There are plenty of good books about shame. John Bradshaw has written quite a bit about it and “Shame, the Power of Caring” by Gershen Kaufman has a lot of useful information also.

It is important to keep in mind that, often the hardest part about dealing with shame is the first part--recognizing it and facing it. With this beginning awareness and an increased ability to face it and work on it, shame can be managed.

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July 23, 2008 – Black or White Thinking

Over the years in my work as a Toronto therapist I have observed certain common features in the people who come to me with problems. One of the biggest features is a tendency to take extreme positions. In this way a person can only see one side of whatever they are trying to understand. Such a stance is generally referred to as ‘Black or White’ thinking.

For example, people who are prone to depression often see their lives as either good or bad. If things are going well in their lives they feel fine, however, when there are problems, their perspective can suddenly shift and they see can see their life as bad.

Similarly, people who struggle with problems of addiction frequently struggle with the tendency of extremity. The result of this tendency is a pattern of behaviour that tends to be all or nothing. This is demonstrated by the constant struggle for control that addicts face. When they feel completely in control they can manage their addiction, but when something in their life causes them to feel out of control they can suddenly veer towards their addiction.

I see 2 main problems with Black or White thinking:

1/ Lack of Balance – When I work with people who suffer from stress I often see that they are unable to find a balanced perspective. This will cause them to take extreme positions that will cause them stress. People suffering from anxiety are also frequently unable to look at both sides of a picture. They become fixed on one aspect of a problem and this prevents them from having a balanced viewpoint which could lessen their anxiety.

2/ All or Nothing Behaviour – When people are seeking a way out of their problems a change of behaviour is required. We need to gradually introduce new behaviours in order to help ourselves move to a new place in our lives. However, I see many people with black or white thinking who are unable to make these small, gradual behaviour steps. For them, it is all or nothing. They try to take all the steps at once and, more than often, fail. When this happens they give up until the next all out effort.

It is important for you to remember that the world is complex. Many of the situations we will face in life with our family, friends, employment etc., do not contain one simple truth. Instead of black or white there are often shades of grey. In order to best adapt to our lives we need a balanced perspective that will provide us with the flexibility required to face the inevitable challenges that life brings.  

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June 25, 2008 – Intentionality – Helping You When You Feel Stuck

‘Intentionality’ is a term I use to help people who are in situations where they feel stuck and unable to move forward in their lives. When people are feeling stuck they will often try 2 strategies 1/ Trying harder 2/ Giving up

The first strategy ‘trying harder’ is what many of us do when we are unable to move forward. We dig in our heels and put in that extra effort to get unstuck. This strategy can work at times, though at other times, like a car, we can become more stuck when we push too hard. At this point, many of us will just throw up our hands and give up.

This ‘giving up’ can develop into a despair and even a depression, which I witness in many people when they first come to me for therapy. As a Toronto therapist I see many people who are so overwhelmed by the complexity of life today that they reach a place of despair. This despair can not only lead to depression, it can lead to addiction, anxiety, stress, loss of self-esteem and problems in marriage. Let me illustrate how I help someone using ‘intentionality’.

Take the example of a woman who comes to me with an alcohol addiction. For years she tried very hard, attended AA, exercised, ate well, followed a spiritual path and generally did all she could to beat the addiction. When she came to me she was suffering from depression as she had ‘stopped trying’ as ‘it was no use anymore’.

We then approached the problem with ‘intentionality’ in mind. I told her that this approach is like a halfway house between overexertion and giving up. In her case she was not ready to stop using alcohol. She had been drinking for many years and there were serious problems such as childhood sexual abuse that underlay her problem. However, she could now aim at developing the intention to move away from using alcohol. Because of this intention, she did not have to give up on her life. She could still do constructive things that could help reduce her dependence on alcohol, including her groups, her spiritual practice and the present examination of her childhood abuse.

In other words, intentionality is the idea of aiming our being towards a goal. It can help avoid the ‘either/or’ thinking that can lead to more problems. It is a realistic admission of where we are at a particular point in our lives and at the same time it provides a way of orientation towards a goal, however near or distant.

Therefore, when you feel stuck in your life, try not getting into the extreme positions that will often make you feel more stuck. See if you can look towards a future goal with the intention of reaching that goal in a realistic way with the resources that you possess right now.

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June 7/08 - Perspectives on Anger Management :

Victims Can Become Perpetrators

Often when I am doing marriage counselling I see that each person is feeling like the victim in the relationship. What they fail to see is how they often victimize the other person. When I point this out they frequently deny it, insisting that they are the victimized one in the relationship.

I also hear the same thing from people who are trying to deal with anger management. They will admit to their anger, but excuse it by saying that they are the victim and are just trying to defend themselves. I’m sure you know such people who go around with ‘chips on their shoulders’ practically waiting to vent their anger.

I tell people with anger management problems that they feel like victims because they likely were victims, often in childhood. Since childhood wounds can run deep, often below awareness, people can continue feeling like a victim. Unfortunately this constant anger often does great damage to their lives. Nevertheless, there are ways that people can learn to overcome their destructive anger.

The way I help people with anger management is to show them that their anger can help them in a number of ways if it is approached differently. I tell them that their anger has a purpose. Its purpose, was and still is, to help defend themselves from the feelings that lay underneath the anger.  What they discover underneath are feelings of vulnerability and hurt. Such feelings as sadness, depression, anxiety, stress and a lack of self-esteem are hidden by anger – feelings that were too painful to feel as children.

Over the years, in my experience as a Toronto therapist, I have seen that many people are capable of accessing their vulnerable feelings. As a result they become more able to manage their anger.

Finally, remember that whatever you experienced as a child  was not safe to feel at that time. However, now that you are an adult you have the strength and maturity to understand and face what you could not in the past.  

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May 14/08 – My Work as a Toronto Therapist--Mental Health in a Big City

I have worked as a Toronto therapist for 17 years. During this time I have seen people from many walks of life and  cultures. Both individuals and couples have brought their various problems and concerns to me. As I reflect on my career as a therapist in a big city there are certain thoughts about this environment that stand out for me.

One thing that stands out is the loneliness. With over 5,000,000 people in Greater Toronto you might think that this is an ideal place to meet people. However, throughout my career as a Toronto therapist I find that there are many individuals who are alone and suffering terribly from this. Conditions such as stress, depression, anxiety and addiction are related to loneliness.

Another thing that stands out is the pace of life. It is very fast and keeps getting faster. In fact during my career I have seen a dramatic change in this pace. I believe that human beings do not cope well in such a fast pace. We do not have the time to properly reflect on our lives, nor do we get the opportunity to deeply experience the things we are going through. Furthermore we do not get the time to really rest, and by that I don’t mean sleep ( although this too is a problem), I mean being able to let down and let go of our lives for a time. There is a price to pay for all of this, including stress, anxiety, addictions, depression and relationship problems.

Relationship problems are quite frequent in this environment. Couples, so busy with their work, have less and less time to spend together. And when a couple does come together they have little energy to give to the relationship. The relationship predictably suffers. I hear this time and time again when I am doing marriage or couples counselling. Of course there are repercussions that fall on the children, and the cycle of mental health problems spread.

Furthermore, people’s problems are a fertile ground for addiction. My work in addiction has grown a great deal over the years. Not only are people becoming more involved in alcoholism and drug addiction, but also there is a great increase in sex addiction via the internet.

Living in a big city presents many challenges. Nonetheless, over the years in my work as a therapist, I see that many people are capable of creatively meeting these challenges.

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April 27/08 – Managing Our Problems – Not Getting Rid of Them

Many people who come to therapy tell me that they want to ‘get rid’ of their problems, so that they won’t have them anymore. I understand why they feel this way; their problems have been a burden to them and they want to live without them. However, I explain to them that we never get rid of our problems, we learn to manage them. What does this mean?

For example, alcoholics, who have not taken a drink in many years, always refer to themselves as an alcoholic. They realize that they have not gotten rid of this addiction; rather they have learned to manage it, ‘one day at a time’. They have learned, through trial and error, that their sobriety is based on a continual awareness of their addiction and following precepts such as the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Another example concerns people who suffer from depression. Many of these people want their depression to ‘go away’. I explain to them that, in many cases, their depression came from events that happened in their childhood and that these events are part of their history and can’t be removed. However, rather than have these past events depress them they can learn to understand the affect of these events on their lives. Finally they can learn new coping behaviours.

Similarly, people who suffer from anxiety do not lose their anxiety; instead they acquire tools and resources that combat this anxiety. In this way they learn to have control over the anxiety rather than having it control them.

Many people are attracted to quick fixes and ‘miracle cures’, especially in this push button age. They use terms such as ‘get over’ and ‘move on’. However, we are not machines who can simply delete material. We have to learn to live with the consequences with of our history. It is both my belief and experience that we can do this through the gradual acquisition of knowledge and resources that can help us deal with our problems so that our lives can become much richer.

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March 18/08 – Gradual Healing vs. Quick Fix

In this day and age of ever increasing speed more people are searching for quick solutions to their problems. As a result, people with problems such as stress, depression, anxiety and addictions are drawn to types of healing and therapy that claim faster results. Thus, books and ideas claiming miracle cures become widely embraced.

However, in my years as a Toronto therapist I have learned that people best overcome their problems in a gradual and steady manner. There are a number of reasons for this. Chief among these reasons is that many problems that afflict people are deeply rooted and have been with the person for many years. Therefore, time is required to get at those deep roots in order to deal with the problem.

For example, a person who comes to me with an alcohol addiction usually finds that the reasons for the addiction lie in his or her past. There may be painful incidents in the family of origin that have given birth to considerable pain within that person. Over time that pain may result in feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. In order to deal with the problem the person begins to drink too much alcohol in order to medicate these feelings. Thus, when I work with that person it is important to go back to their childhood wounds in order to fully confront the addiction.

Similarly, people who come feeling depressed often ask for ways and means to learn to ‘get over’ this depression. They are searching for formulas or ways that they can quickly deal with their problems. When I explain to them that these problems may be rooted in their childhood and take time to deal with, they are often quite upset.

I also explain to people that problems take time to deal with because of the structure of our brain. Our brain naturally helps to defend us against pain. It does this by various means which result in psychological defence mechanisms.

For example, many people with childhood trauma such as sexual abuse will minimize this in order to defend against the pain of it. They will say things like, “It wasn’t that bad, many people have worse lives, etc.” Such mechanisms are necessary in order to protect the person; however, they are usually so strong that they take time to slowly change.

Despite the fact that emotional problems are often deeply rooted and defended against, that does not mean that we can’t deal with these problems. It involves a thorough process that takes time and effort. Moreover, healing in this manner versus a quick fix ensures that the problem is dealt with at its core. In this way it is a healing that can be depended upon.  

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Feb. 11, 08 - Healthy Solitude Versus Unhealthy Isolation

Today, more people than ever are telling me that they feel increasingly isolated, which I define as being cut off from other people and healthy experiences. As a result, they are experiencing more mental health problems such as depression, stress, anxiety and addictions.

Many people suffering from addictions tend to isolate themselves since they prefer to connect with their addictions rather than other people. Researchers are also linking the internet with a sharp increase in addictive behaviour as people, isolating themselves, become involved in gambling, virtual relationships and pornography. Substance abusers such as alcoholics and drug addicts also

become increasingly isolated as they focus their primary connection upon their addiction.

People who suffer from depression also isolate themselves since they experience great stress from relationships. This behaviour also further increases their depression. Similarly, people who suffer from anxiety tend to cut themselves off as they feel overwhelmed in the world. In both cases there is a narrowing of experience which gives the person fewer options that could help them deal with their problems.

It is no coincidence that our society is reporting a record number of mental health disorders today since people are increasingly isolated from each other due to factors such as greater mobility in home and work situations, less community oriented activities, more suburbs and a greater fear level.

Solitude, as opposed to isolation, is being by oneself in a manner that enriches life rather than depleting it. It is an active creative state, where a person connects to a deeper sense of life. Solitude can be found in different ways. It can be found in relationship to nature where one’s sense of self can be renewed. It can be found in activities that still the self in a quiet and meditative manner. The value of these activities can vary according to the manner in which they are done. For example, a person can practice yoga in a way that involves pushing and competing or they can practice it in a meditative, non-competitive manner that enriches them.

Today, with our fast pace and great stress, it is more important than ever to develop the capacity for healthy solitude in order to fill oneself with the calm and positive energy that is required to meet the challenges of modern society.  

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Feb. 4/08 – Emotional Abuse – The Hidden Abuse

‘Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Names Will Never Hurt Me.’

This saying, unfortunately, sums up how many people dismiss emotional abuse. If there is no physical assault then many feel that a person is not harmed by an assault on their emotions. My years working as a Toronto therapist and psychotherapist have shown me that this is not true. People are deeply harmed in this manner.

The following behaviours are examples of emotional abuse:

*Constant criticism or judgement

*Mocking or degrading behaviour

*Devaluing another’s thoughts and feelings 

*Neglect, emotional unresponsiveness

*Controlling or isolating behaviour

*Silent treatment

*Verbal aggression

*Hearing or seeing others abused or threatened

Emotional abuse can have serious results. Emotional abuse can be associated with:

*Lack of self-esteem

*General anxiety disorder

*Various levels of depression

*Addictions--substance abuse, sexual addiction

*Inability to trust and form healthy relationships

 which can result in marriage breakdown & troubled friendships

*Problems with anger management

People who have suffered from emotional abuse are often very confused because they feel that they are unjustified in feeling injured by names or treatment that was not physically harmful. Those who abuse also frequently deny the abuse. Over and over my clients have heard similar phrases. “You’re oversensitive,” “I’m just kidding, can’t you take a joke,” “You always make a big deal out of everything” &“You’re overdramatic”. As a result they feel that they have no right to their emotions.

However, emotional abuse is very serious because it strikes at the very heart of a person’s sense of self-worth. It can make a person feel a deep sense of shame and humiliation that can affect everything in their life.

Emotional abuse usually occurs within a power imbalance, a vulnerable child with a parent or in a relationship where one partner feels dominated by the other. It is often a method used to preserve power by the perpetrator who often feels a deep sense of vulnerability. They ward this off through the abuse of another.

Finally, it is important for you to remember that your feelings are valid. Despite the minimizing of emotional abuse and the denial of abusers, only you can know the full impact of your emotional abuse. Ultimately you must validate the truth of your wound to begin to heal from it.

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Jan. 14/08 – I Shouldn’t Be Having Problems – I Come From a Loving Family

I hear different versions of this statement from many people. When they experience mental health problems such as depression or addiction, they feel it is all their fault. They believe that they must be emotionally weak since their family was loving towards them. I explain to them that a loving family environment does not exempt a person from mental health problems. I find that there are 3 ways that a person can be harmed, even in an atmosphere where there is love.

1/ Parents are Human Beings who Possess Both Positive and Negative Qualities – Often people tend to idealize their parents and not see them as real people. For example a man came to me with an alcohol addiction, saying, “I couldn’t have had better parents. They did everything they could to help me and yet here I am, a drunk.”

When we looked at his parents, it was true that they were good people who had done their best to help him and his siblings. At the same time these good people had problems. His mother was a person who suffered from stress and anxiety. As a result she was frequently emotionally absent from her children. His father, in turn, was a man who had a drinking problem of his own, and at times, would vent his anger on his family. As a result of their problems he and his siblings were emotionally hurt as children.

2/ Love in a Family Can be Present But not Practiced – Scott Peck, the well known author, said that love needs to be a verb as well as a noun. In other words many families have love and even state they love one another, but they have difficulty in showing it. Furthermore, many such families will exhibit behaviour that is not loving.

For example, a woman who came to me for stress management and help with addiction, said that her parents were very loving people, “who always told us that they loved us.” Nevertheless, when we looked at her family in more detail we saw that behaviour of the parents did not always convey love to their children. Her father was often absent, both physically and emotionally. He spent many hours at work and, even when he was at home, he read the paper or napped. Her mother, for her part, was often quite critical of her and she never felt that she was good enough.

3/ Parents Can Model Poor Mental Health – As children we frequently model ourselves after our parents, for better or worse. In this way loving parents can still negatively affect their children if the parents exhibit mental health problems. This was the case for the man with an anxiety disorder who also had bouts of depression. He was mystified that anything in his family environment could have harmed him. “My parents were consistently loving and kind to me and my brothers and sisters. They were always so supportive and considerate. I can’t understand why I am this way?”

When we looked at his family, it was completely true that his parents were very loving. They were good people who were devoted to their children and gave them every possible advantage. However, this man and some of his siblings did have certain problems, and it wasn’t clear why. Yet, as we looked further, we realized that his both parents had mental health problems. His mother worried consistently and his father was frequently depressed. Because children are very impressionable and do model themselves after their parents, he and his siblings, in this way, ‘inherited’ their parents’ problems.

Of course, in addition to the 3 ways in which loving families can cause mental health problems there is also the case where a person perceives that their family was loving and was, in truth, not. I believe that this happens because it is too painful for many of us to see the truth of our families. For this reason there are children who need to make up a happy family to survive the reality of an unhappy one.

In conclusion, your family environment is rarely a simple one. There is often good and bad. Children tend to see things in terms of black and white. It is important, as an adult, to see your families in a realistic manner. In this way you can better understand your mental health.

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Jan. 7/08 – The Social Causes of Mental Illness

Over the years, as a Toronto therapist, people have come to me with various problems such as depression, stress, anxiety and addictions. Many of these people feel that something internal has happened to them, that their mind has problems. They see themselves as isolated. However, the fact is that many of our problems have definite links to the larger society.

For example, a man came to me for stress management. He felt that the depression and anxiety he experienced were just his problems because he was a ‘weak’ person. However, I helped him realize that he was not alone and was affected by a larger social problem. This problem is the serious increase in stress since the early 90’s in North America (and in many other parts of the world) that has brought about an epidemic of depression and anxiety. Social commentators have traced this problem to the global market economy and the increased pressures this has brought.

I meet many people who, like this man, are suffering from bouts of depression, anxiety, stress and addiction because they are working harder, longer and without adequate job security. This has a domino affect upon other people. This person brings his or her stress home where it has serious affects on other family members. It directly contributes to family breakdown as many marriages cannot deal with this pressure. This, in turn, spills over onto children who begin to experience problems of stress, anxiety, depression and addictions.

In addition, there are further problems in society which I see as a direct link to the greater incidence of mental illness. One situation is the increase in materialism. As a society we have grown – through social pressure – to feel unsatisfied with what we possess. We must have more and more all the time. This has many negative psychological affects on people. Specifically they can never be satisfied with who they are. This is an ideal breeding ground for depression. It also promotes addiction, since the addictive energy is one in which there is a continual dissatisfaction.

Another serious societal problem which contributes to mental illness is the increased pace of life. This is partly work related and partly to do with our computer age. With computers we come to expect immediate results. Internally we become geared to this faster pace and our nervous systems struggle to keep up with this. In fact human beings do not naturally work at this fast and the pace, for many, results in breakdowns. When we operate this fast we do not have the time to use our minds and relax our bodies so that we can stand back and make the best decisions for our lives.

So, if you are suffering from emotional problems it is important to remember that this is not merely internal. problem. You need to look at the society around you and realize how it has affected you. Having a greater realization of the social causes of your problem can help you be with yourself in a more balanced and empowered fashion.     

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