Did You Know

A major study in the United State of over 60,000 couples compared happily married couples with those who divorced. The surprise finding was that both successful and unsuccessful couples showed equal amounts of love for one another. The big difference was that the successful couples were able to communicate well and the unsuccessful ones were not.

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Analyzing the Relationship

When I first see a couple for counselling, I assess in what areas they have difficulty communicating. I define communication not only in terms of verbal information, but also in terms of how well a couple is able to maintain a positive connection to one another. Therefore, I will assess the relationship on the basis of many factors that include the main problems, history, relationship style, resources and how a couple handle differences. The assessment indicates the areas where work is needed in order to improve the relationship.

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The Main Problems

I ask each partner to give their own assessment of what the main problems are in the relationship. We look at how long these problems have occurred, what the couple has done to try to solve the problems and how serious these problems are. We also explore the origin of these problems when we look at the history of the relationship.

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The History

I find that many couples do not clearly understand how their history together affects the present day health of their partnership. It is important to learn the history of a relationship to fully understand it. This can reveal many things, big and small, that have played a role in establishing the present situation. The history also shows the strengths and weaknesses of a couple and what resources they possess or lack. It also demonstrates the style in which the couple relates to one another.

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The Relationship Style

I find that there are 3 main relationship styles or categories that most couples fall into.

1/The Angry Couple - The relationship is characterized by ongoing disagreements and arguments. Often the themes of the arguments are recurring and become the main focus of the relationship.

2/The Withdrawn Couple - They sweep their problems under the rug. However, as these problems accumulate the couple tends to withdraw from one another and lead separate lives.

3/ Angry or Demanding/Withdrawn -This category refers to one partner who complains and demands and one partner who withdraws.

According to their specific style I will help couples to make changes in communication by providing them with strategies and resources to get beyond their stuck positions. I help them step back and see how both people contribute to the problem. In this way each person can feel that he or she can take action to create positive change.

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Successful Relationships Are Based on Hard Work and Don't Just Happen

A study that came out last year said that the average couple spends just 14 minutes a week in working on their relationship. Right from the first I emphasize this fact and stress how hard work is essential to a successful relationship. With this in mind we look at how the couple can work together in order to build up and strengthen their resources.

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Building Up Resources

At this point we review the couples' strengths and weaknesses and look at how we can better use their existing resources and develop new ones. Our goal is to strengthen their connection. We look at ways of collaborating to improve their positive connection so that both people's needs are taken into account. In addition to hard work, creativity, imagination, analysis and patience can play an important part in facilitating change. During this phase we give special emphasis to communication and how to improve it.

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Positive Difference Strengthens a Relationship

One particular area of communication that we focus on is the area of disagreement. This is often where communication and connection break down. Again, according to the relationship style, we examine how the disagreements can be addressed in a way that improves their connection. Many couples are scared of differences because they believe that, arguments are wrong and unproductive. I explain how positive expressions of difference can strengthen a relationship.

In all of this work I stress that each person must take responsibility for their part in the problem. Partners, who take the stance that the other person must change, find themselves continually frustrated. Such marriages are in constant trouble. I help each person to take responsibility through looking at his or her history. In this way they can better understand what they have brought into the marriage and how this has contributed to the problem.

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Small Gains Are Important

During counselling couples often note small changes at first. These small gains are important because they give the couple, who had been feeling a sense of hopelessness, the feeling that they have the ability to improve the relationship. It is through these gradual gains and the increase of confidence, that the couple learns that they have the resources to positively maintain their relationship. They learn to appreciate that a relationship cannot be taken for granted, as it is a challenging, constantly changing and rewarding partnership.

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